Persons of Interest: Theatre Kids

Those of you fortunate enough to have received my short-lived email newsletter Life Sucks, Get a Helmet will recognize the following post. I think it deserves a place in T.A.S.K.'s literary canon, but you be the judge.
So, there's this unwritten law that Theatre Kids and Literature Kids hate each other (surely you jest, as you live with one...jest I do not. We accept it and continue our cohabitation...most of the time). This is a strange phenomenon as both are pretty similar. Hear me out: both are artistic; both have an appreciation of art in its various forms; and both regard outsiders with scorn and malice (don't deny it...just think about how many copies of The Da Vinci Code have sold...exactly. Theatre Kids, well, they just look down on everyone...theatre related, or not - monsters).
Now when these two fractions are subjected to each others' company an interesting dynamic is created. Throw some gamers into the mix and it makes for an interesting, blog-worthy evening...

It was Halloween night and I found myself in the basement of a comic book shop, surrounded by guilds questing for dominance over some other worldly realm and Theatre Kids (there's a difference? Slightly, yes). The Theatre Kids were performing a dramatic reading of the radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds. Apparently a lot of companies do this on Halloween and it really is a nifty idea: studio microphones are set up; objects for sound effects are placed on a table; actors wear period clothing. Everything is set up as though you are in the radio studio watching the broadcast live.
Because I refused to venture into a comic book shop alone, I arrived a little early with my soon-to-be Theatre Husband (yeah, I can't believe it either...I'm going to marry a theatre kid) and read on a couch while everyone else set up. So far it wasn't too bad. Then the woman next to me chimes in:
Woman: What's going on here? What are they setting up for?
Me: This theatre compnay is going to have a performance. It's a dramatic reading of The War of the Worlds. (What a pitch for them, huh?)
Woman: Ah...*with a look of: what strange peopleMe: Oh, what's that? Your son is at a gaming event in the BASEMENT of a comic book shop; on Halloween night, no less. He's not hanging out with friends or trick-or-treating? Yeah, he'll be well adjusted when he grows up. Probably end up doing a lot of theatre. Not to mention this is something straight out of Law and Order: SVU.

That aside, the performance was pretty good...except, every now and then a spell cast on an elf by a goblin would carry over into our space. Poor venue choice.
Whatever. They did it and it was good. Hooray! Then it was off to the costume party, hosted by Theatre Kids. (Blast! The rest of the evening I'll be on their territory. Oh well...)
(By the way, I did a couples costume: he was Robin Hood and I was Maid Marian - only I dressed like a hotel maid with a Marian name tag. Clever, no?)

The party wasn't bad. It went like all other cast parties I'm dragged me to: I stick to my theatre kid like glue, we find a nice place to sit, then he leaves me to go grab a smoke EVEN THOUGH we discussed weeks earlier I HATE it when he leaves me alone at these things.

So there I am, sitting on a couch...alone. Then some guy sits down next to me:
Guy: Hey.
Me: Hello.
Guy: I've never seen you before. How are you connected with the company?
Me: Likewise. Umm...my boyfriend was in the show tonight and he's been in a few other shows with them.
Guy: AH! What's your name?
Me: Shannon.
Guy: I hate your name!
Me: WTF! Hello...WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?! 
Guy: No! Not you...that was my ex-girlfriend's name.
Me: What the hell's your name?
Guy: Jeff.
Me: With a "G" or "J"?
Guy: "J".
Me: Oh! The stupid, loser way to spell it.
Stupid Loser Jeff: Yeah
That's when Stupid Loser Jeff got up and went into the other room.

Why would you ever say something like that to someone you just met? I mean, I'm pretty socially awkward but come on! "I hate your name"? Yeah, I hate YOU, Stupid Loser Jeff. I later found out that Stupid Loser Jeff is a jerk.

This is what happens when Theatre Kids and Lit. Kids mingle. This will eventually lead to a full blown rumble. Only with this rumble, there will be no blades or heaters. The Theatre Kids will "saw the air too much" with their hands and tire out. That's when us Lit. Kids make our move: a swift sweep across their faces with our trusty, yet hefty, Norton Anthology. You've been Nortonized!

Signs of the Apocalypse: E-Readers

If anyone has one of these atrocities, please enlighten me. How awesome is your world now that you can carry around a libraries worth of books anywhere your go? That is, of course, if you remember to charge it.

What if you forget to charge your precious electronic? Are people really okay with letting an electronic determine when they are allowed to read? It brought me so much joy when I saw a young, hip, business woman on the train realize her e-reader wasn't charged. She went to turn it on...*annoyed huff*. She flicked the switch again...*more annoyed huff* "Seriously?" She tried again..."Seriously? Seriously!? Seriously." She gave a final huff and gave up (life is so hard and unfair, right?).

The great thing about books is you can access them at anytime. Books don't determine when it's time to read...the reader does! This is the Achilles heel of e-readers. What do you do when you're on an airplane and you need to turn off all electronic devices? Strike up a conversation with the person next to you? Hmm...that could be fun. Maybe your little air buddy will warn you about the dangers of gypsies in Europe ("You know a trick gypsies have is they throw their baby at you so you'll drop your stuff in order to save the baby, but it's a trick. While you're focusing on saving the baby, they actually rob you...and there's no baby! Just a bundle of clothes"). Or maybe it's your little air buddy's first time flying and, since you're not busy, he can ask you what every little noise and button is. Maybe you two can even quiz each other on the information in the safety pamphlet. That would be fun, huh?

With the popularity of e-readers on the rise, is society saying reading is only a hobby for the elite? Bookstores are already struggling to compete with e-readers. If this continues, books could become obsolete. Think about it, how often do you see someone using a Walkman? And when was the last time someone made you a mix tape? Just as mp3 players dominate the music landscape, e-readers could become the preferred way of reading. Books are useful to everyone. E-readers are only useful to people who have a power source and a computer. How will people in less developed parts of the world access knowledge and earn an education without books? Education is for everyone, not just those who can afford the latest technological craze.
(Besides, what will society do with all the books that are left behind after e-readers rise to power? Burn them? We all know we else use to burn books...just putting it out there.)

E-readers remove the reader from the whole reading experience. You're holding an electronic. A book lets you feel the actual work. The weight of every word is in your hands and you have a true sense of how much work the author put into that piece. Let's cherish books for what they are: a physical representation of another human's literary passion and hard work.

In closing, please enjoy the following:

Comment: Ew. Just Ew

I wish Kristin's post was an April Fool's joke...but it's not. Those things are real. I will admit that I gagged quite a bit when I read, "outties that are like three inches long and show through every shirt and sweater". EWWW! It's like a turkey timer: POP! Baby's done! (And don't get me started on a newborn who still has some umbilical cord attached and parents just need to wait a few days - or weeks, I really don't know - for it to fall off!)

Maybe belly button rings are a way to tide teens over until they can get a tattoo? Janie's totally gonna get a sweet tat on her lower back as soon as she's 18 (why are her parents so lame and making her wait soooooo long? Don't they know she's not little Janie anymore. In fact, she's Jane and needs to show this by having a butterfly, fluttering freely through the air, forever imprinted on her lower back? Like, so lame.). The belly button ring is probably a compromise between parent and child. Until she gets that Tramp Stamp on her own, Janie might as well adorn her belly with some bling? Even if her parents signed off a tattoo, would they really want their daughter to get one on her belly? It's like they know she's bound to get knocked up. What if she needs a C-section? That totally original butterfly flying freely along a rainbow, leaving a trail of flowers will get cut up...bummer. The only logical thing to do is pierce that belly!

Why do these...things exist? Isn't flaunting your body all over the place what got you into this situation in the first place? Why would you want to keep it (not to mention if your new outie doesn't go back to an innie)? Do you really want to draw attention to a long, saggy belly button (*dry heave*). Imagine if THAT got caught on some clothes (*continued dry heave*).

In regards to the teen pregnancy shows: yes, I watch them. I'm amazed that teen pregnancy is still an issue in this day and age. On more than one episode the knocked up teen's friend asks, "How did it happen?" What? Really? You're really asking that question? America needs to improve its math skills: that disclaimer about contraception being 99% safe - someone's got to be that 1% and it looks like it's your friend! At least this show has taught me why teen pregnancy is still an issue.

Overall, body piercings just baffle me; however I am a fan of the industrial ear piercing, but only if it's a barbell that looks like a spear. It's like the person had some amazing Gulliver style adventure. Maybe the spear that's lodged in his ear is a proud battle wound (You escaped the Lilliputians? How cool is that?).
Ears are one thing, though. I don't mind looking them. But who, in all honesty, likes looking at belly buttons? It really doesn't need any added attention. Ew...just ew.

Crimes Against Humanity: An Old Word With A New Meaning...Maybe

A few weeks ago I had the following conversation at work:

ME: I don’t think that's ready yet.

CO-WORKER: Oh ok. Just ping me whenever it is.

ME [to myself]: Excuse me, you want me to WHAT you?!

ME [actually out loud, eyes glazed over with confusion]: Sure…?

Now of course I’m not a complete imbecile, and so within the context of this conversation I assumed that my co-worker wanted me to “let her know” whenever the item in question was ready. But this isn’t the only time I’ve heard this new word, and I’d just like to make it clear that I’ve had enough!

First of all, what exactly does “ping” mean? Every time someone threatens to says they’re going to ping me, I walk away wondering if they’ll use a phone, computer, bike messenger, telegraph, or telepathy to get in touch. Is this something that’s stemmed from instant messaging, because of the sound it makes when you receive a message? Maybe, but we don’t have instant messaging capabilities at my job, so I think it must mean other forms of communication as well. I definitely don’t get the nuances of this word.

So I’ve started asking around, to people I really trust and don’t mind looking like a fool in front of, what exactly does this new word “ping” mean?  And the answers that I’ve received have been disappointing.

They usually begin with a straight forward answer that always starts with the word “Oh.” As in, Oh, let me tell you something I can’t BELIEVE you don’t know yet! What kind of rock have you been living under that you don’t know what “ping” means? You ready to be enlightened? Ok.

It’s after the word “Oh” that the answers begin to deviate from each other. I’ve heard:

   A. “Oh, it means email.”

   B. “Oh, it means call”

   C. “Oh, it means IM”

   D. “Oh, it means follow up”

   E. And my favorite “Oh, I have no idea. I’ve been wondering about that too.”

So then I usually follow up with:

   A. But why not just say email?

   B. But why not just say call?

   C. But why not just say message?

   D. But why not just say follow up?

   E. Oh thank god I’m not the only one. Ok I think it’s stupid and I’m not using it.

And the response I get is:  
A. Oh I think it means in real time, like at the exact moment it’s done, instead of just sometime in the future.

B. Yeah I’m not sure. I don’t really get it; I just say it and hope I’m saying it right.

C. Yeah I’m not sure. I don’t really get it; I just say it and hope I’m saying it right.

D. Yeah I’m not sure. I don’t really get it; I just say it and hope I’m saying it right.

E. [shamfully] Oh, I’ve used it. I just say it and hope I’m saying it right.

To answers B through E I say: For shame!! That is terrible. You can’t just say things because other people say them and hope you’re using it in the right context. Yes, I realize this is how any human being actually starts talking in the first place when they’re a baby, but beyond that it really starts to piss me off! That’s no better than wearing a piece of clothing not because it has attracted your eye and you think it’s awesome, but because it’s what all the cool kids are wearing.

To answer A I say: I’m impressed at how long you are willing to drag out this whole thing of you supplying me with an answer that you are really kind of making up on the spot.

I’m beginning to wonder if anyone actually gets the nuances of using this word in this context. And I propose that until someone can let me know EXACTLY what ping means and how it should be used, we should all just go back to saying normal, real words.

Ew. Just Ew

Let me ask you something. What’s the purpose of a belly button ring? Think hard, and come up with the most truthful answer you possibly can – something more real than simply, “they’re cute.” If you think so, I still ask: Why there? Why the belly button? Some possible answers might be:

a) It draws attention to how tiny and flat a stomach is

b) It’s an accessory for the pool-side bikini season

c) It provides a challenge for thrill seekers who enjoy the challenge of getting through the day without getting it caught on any clothing and thus painfully ripping it through several layers of flesh, or

d) It draws attention to how tiny and flat a stomach is

If you’ve thought of any other purposes for a belly button ring, please be sure to educate me in the comments section below. However, I defy you to think of a purpose that would justify the use of the following product.

If you’re thinking that there’s something a little off about the belly button rings pictures above, you’re right. They’re absurdly long. Now I’ll give you all a moment to go take some Dramamine in an attempt to help you deal with the nausea that is about to overwhelm you, as I tell you what these special little rings are for……………

That’s right, you guessed it (or I bet you didn’t, because why would anyone ever think of this?): These are belly button rings for the ladies who currently have no vacancy in their wombs. Knocked up and ready to pop, you can now rest assured you will still be able to accompany your favorite pair of low rise booty shorts and tube top with the perfect accessory!!

These are creepy. My first problem with these is that pregnant belly buttons are weird. I’m continually perplexed by the fact that belly buttons that were once perfectly innocent, normal innies suddenly pop to outties that are like three inches long and show through every shirt and sweater. It’s like no belly button is really safe, except for a man’s of course. Just another cross the female sex has to bear, I suppose.

And secondly I must conclude that these are being marketed for the ever-popular teen moms, since the greatest population of belly button ringers are typically within the 13-17 range.

Those girls are so cool. You know the ones I’m talking about. How could you not? I don’t even have a TV and I know who they are because they’re on every rag mag in the grocery store check-out line – the same magazines that slap Angelina Jolie and Jessica Simpson on the cover every two weeks. The whole country has rewarded them for their actions by first putting them on TV and generating mass faux-sympathy for them and then making them as popular and famous as the movie stars they admire.

So now we’ve got accessories exclusively designed for these cool girls that will keep them in the height of style while they are indisposed with producing progeny. Don’t worry girls, you can still go to your junior high pool party without looking like an unadorned-stomach loser! You may make people gag with your newly acquired, unsightly outie that has sparkle dangling from it, but you go right ahead.

Girl Scout Cookies

That's right. This post does not have a category. The scorn and malice that boils within me places this topic above classification.

Just what is the allure of these cookies? They don't even taste good (unless you consider waxy chocolate to be delicious). I will gladly buy a box of elf-made Keebler Grasshoppers over Thin Mints ANYDAY.

I really hate when troops decide to set up shop outside of stores or inside subway stations, right in front of the turnstiles. What genius thought that spot was a good idea? Doesn't anyone notice the intense bottle neck it creates (It's okay. It's not like I have a bus to catch NOW. Take your time buying these overpriced, over packaged, waxy cookies)? The only bright side to this tactic is that some girls are actually there (no doubt because their mothers are the troop leaders). It's a lot better than parents who simply leave the order sheet in the break room at the office, fully expecting their co-workers to contribute to their daughters Top Seller T-shirt. NO! If you want to be top seller and get that T-shirt, you better get off your ass and give me one damn good sales pitch...not your mom...not your dad...YOU! This is precisely why I will never order Girl Scout Cookies at work, even if the girl scout goes from office to office, pleading for a sale (I'm sorry little girl, but not every little girl has a parent in a high ranking management position, who thinks it's part of her job description to guilt and pressure her employees once a year into buying cookies from you. It's simply unfair and I cannot support an organization that allows such villainy.)

I also don't understand what selling cookies has to do with Girl Scouts. I always thought this organization taught girls about leadership, values, and self-esteem. Let's take a quick look at values and self-esteem:

Values
In selling cookies, doesn't that perpetuate an idea that woman should stay home and make cookies all day, at least on some subconscious level? (Personally, I would love this. I also belonged to a troop that decided it was an awesome idea to earn the "Looking Your Best" badge. Yeah, you read that correctly: Looking Your Best. Here's a picture of it:



That would be a mirror, a comb, and a brush you're looking at. No lie. This is an actual girls scout badge...and I earned it. We were actually working towards this goal as a united troop! YEAH! I don't know how we found time between all the mini-bagel, peanut butter, birdseed bird feeders we made...but we did).
I realize the girls no longer bake the cookies (I would have so much more respect for them if they did. A cookie made without love is like a cookie with raisins in it *spit*). But what message is being sent? Does anyone ever think about Girls Scouts unless it has to do with cookies? It seems as though society is saying, "You're only important because of the cookies you sell. If you didn't have any cookies, I would have no reason to support you." Honestly, does anyone donate to them outside of cookie season? I highly doubt there would be as much support if troops held organization sanctioned bra burnings (Buy a bra and throw it into the bonfire! Every bra is one step closer to camp!).

Self-Esteem
Strangers will like you if you stand on the street and sell them some sugar? Wasn't this on Law and Order: SVU last week? I'm not sure this is what Juliette Gordon Low had in mind when she founded this organization, but I could be wrong.
(Not to mention the damage to your self-esteem when the same girl in your troop is always the top seller and gets that special Top Cookie Seller T-shirt EVERY YEAR even though her mom just brought the order sheet to work and your parents refused to do that for you. Awful!)

In conclusion, it's not the organization itself I have a problem with. It thinks it teaches girls great strength...fine (and steroids help athletes fine great strength...whatever). My problem is with these damn cookies. I don't even want to call them cookies. Instead, they should be called machine-spawned, adulterated biscuits.

Comment: Crimes Against Humanity - What's Wrong with the State of the World

OMG!
NAP! Totally NBD! NY1 can c typing letters is CWOT. U need to T+ about it :)
MBN living up there in your ivory tower, glaring down on us commoners! IS IT?

Yeah, it's pretty damn sweet up here!

That introduction was painful. I'm GLAD to admit that I didn't know what some of those acronyms were. T+...what? Is there a new blood type? Are you contagious? Speaking in tongues (or should I say Typing in Thumbs - ZING!)? Be careful not to put that next to TB (TB T+? You have tuberculosis?!) I feel awful for all those people with dyslexia. This "lingo" must be a nightmare for them to use (BMN? You want blueberry muffins now? ).

And the worst - L8R. Why are you mixing letters and numbers? What is this, MATH?! Do I have to solve for "L" or "R"?

I don't know. This texting lingo could be this generation's shorthand. Maybe...? I'm surprised there hasn't been a surge in the field of stenography.

Okay, I'll come down from my ivory tower and admit I have been guilty of using these words, phrases, abominations of the English language. They are convenient when you're texting, especially if you have an older phone that doesn't have a full key pad. It can get tiring clicking through the keys for a letter. And if you over click...WOO! Just put the phone down.
My real issue is when people start using these abominations outside of their texting realm. I do NOT want to open my work e-mail first thing in the morning and feel like I'm at a Justin Bieber concert...but that's just me.

(On a side note: I was writing a paper once and Microsoft Word automatically transformed my punctuation into a little face. Yeah...I tried to type a colon and parenthesis and got a little smiley face. At first I just thought I used proper punctuation...but no. My punctuation was gone. It was like the computer was mocking me.)

I will say there is a slight glimmer of hope: BM&Y is at least grammatically correct (as short as it is). However, I'm surprised it's not BU&I (between you and I...why is it "Y" anyway? Hasn't society banished "y" and "o" in reference to the word "you"? Damn, does my brain hurt).

Crimes Against Humanity: Ladies and Gentlement, I give you what's wrong with the state of the world:

A post from my personal blog, but one I'm sure should be taken up by T.A.S.K. as well. I KNOW Shanana must have some words to say on the subject. Check it out here.

Comment: Funeral Directors

First of all Shanana, you are to be commended for your use of the word asininity. I love that that's a word!! I will use it from now on.

Secondly, seriously what is it with funeral directors? The first encounter I can remember was when I was 15 and my grandpa died. We had a small graveside funeral for him, as we had only a few family members with us. After we had sung his favorite hymns and said our goodbyes, we walked back to the cars to find the funeral director standing by his truck, tearing up. He told us the funeral was beautiful, and it reminded him of the small one he'd had for his grandmother the previous year.

This guy was at least in his late forties, and all I could think was You lucky bastard, you got your grandma for thirty more years than I did and now you stand here and brag about it as I bury my own grandparent. 

Come to think of it, I may have been a touch too sensitive at the time, but I still think I'm kind of right. I'm sure the guy was trying to be nice, but all he did was make me wish his grandma had died sooner.

The second and more abominable encounter I had with funeral directors happened a few years ago when I lost my dad. My mom and sister and I walked into the funeral home looking like zombies the day after my dad died, in order to make final arrangements. In Nashville they like to make funeral homes look like mansions for god-knows-why, so we drove through this huge (grave-filled) property and parked in the front of a buiding that, I swear to you, was larger than the White House. (I think the reason that they try to disguise the overwhelming number of funeral homes as plantations must be saved for another post.)

Once inside we were left to stand at the bottom of a great winding staircase until the funeral director came out to take us up to his office. After finally appearing, he apologized for our wait, and told us it was just so difficult for him to get up and come into work today because he'd just gotten back from vacation in Mexico.

Nice. Vacation. Like my dad will ever take one of those again. So sorry to interrupt your slow wind-down to that awesome vaction you had. Douche.

Then he proceeded to get increasingly annoyed with us as we continued to pick the cheapest options for everything. My dad was not one to have the cadillac of coffins with which to lower him into the ground. My mom was, naturally, a little out of it and kept worrying over minute details that were unimportant. After she apologized to the funeral director for the third time that the shirt we brought might be a little big because of how much weight my dad had lost, he sighed, annoyed, and said:

"Ma'am, it will be alright. Honestly, we just cut the back of the shirt and pants anyway and wrap it around them in front to make it look like they're wearing it. We can fit the shirt to make it look right."

EXCUSE ME?!!? What person wants to know that? Reader, I would be willing to bet that even you - reading this on a day that does not proceed the day on which you lost your father - even you are probably disturbed by the knowledge that this is in fact how they dress the dead.

Yes, I did picture them lifting the arms up and shimmying first an undershirt and then the button down shirt until it fit properly. Yes, I do expect them to have the decency to go through this trouble. I mean, they have no problem sucking fluids from the dead, can they not manage a little shimmying? That's all I'm asking for.

But I'll settle for not knowing that all those dead people's clothes are cut in half and pinned in back - like they're all part of some high-fashion macabre model photo shoot cat walk.

Not cool Mr. Funeral Director. Not cool at all!

Persons of Interest: Funeral Directors

Have you ever noticed that the word funeral has the word "fun" in it? Strange. Most people don't consider funerals to be very fun ("most" being the operative word). Understandably, they see them as a time for morning...a time to grieve the loss of a loved one. However, there are some who, though upset, use this time to reflect on a life; a celebration of life...and why not? You no longer need to worry about your loved one suffering. Your loved one will never again witness the asininity of mankind (toyless Happy Meals - way to be San Francisco; MTV's Jersey Shore...or really anything on MTV that's not music related).

Not long ago, my great-aunt passed away. She was 94. Merely thinking about her was enough to get her admitted into a hospital. Her passing wasn't so much a shock as it was a realization: she was gone. I knew her funeral wouldn't be a......funeral. Rather, it would be a celebration of her life. Thank God Johnny Reaper was there to host this celebration!

My parents and I arrived at the funeral home a little early for the pre-funeral viewing (it's a little like "pre-gaming" before an event, only no alcohol chilling in a cooler...just a body...chilling in a casket...yeah...I don't do well with open caskets). As soon as we got out of the car, a funeral home employee came up to us and escorted us into the home. As we walked, he very nicely asked whether or not our car would be part of the funeral procession. We very nicely said we weren't sure - depends who needs a ride. No problem. Given that there was only one other person in the room (two if you want to count my great-aunt...ZING!), things were pretty quiet...until Johnny Reaper made his presence known:

Johnny Reaper: *arms flailing* WHO'S DRIVING THAT HONDA????? ARE YOU DRIVING THAT HONDA?????
Mom: *with a look of What the hell? Did I not just go over this with someone? Though you are the owner of this funeral home, would you please show some respect and not yell in front of the cold, lifeless body of my husband's aunt!* We...don't...know...yet!

Unfortunately (or for your reading enjoyment - fortunately), I wish this was the only faux pas committed by Johnny, but it wasn't (like when he almost got into a thrown down with the priest right before the funeral mass...true story). You see, Johnny Reaper clearly no longer has a passion for the funeral business. He's just stopped caring. Which must be rough. I mean, how many people want to make a living off of death (an honest, open living)? This is a career in which one must rail against every new medical break through (when a cure for cancer is found, I bet every undertaker will die, just a little, inside. I wouldn't be surprised if these people are actually behind the Anti-Vaccination Campaign. All that being said, the family made it through the mass with little incident; thanks in part to the token Catholic in the family (you go, ma!). Even with Johnny Reaper lurking around the church, no one felt too awkward.

Then came the burial.

There we stood: graveside on a cold November day, casket ready to be placed in the ground...and no priest. According to Johnny, the priest was at a different cemetery BUT one of his minions was on his way to pick him up. Silly priest, not double checking information Johnny Reaper gives - fool!

So there we still stood: family shivering...my amuptee uncle trying to rent out his wheelchair to anyone who wanted to sit...Johnny Reaper lurking around nearby tombstones (checking out his past work?)...waiting for the priest to arrive.

All of a sudden, Johnny Reaper appears, somewhat out of nowhere as I'm sure he was pretty far away a second before. No one can find the priest.
Naturally, I was very concerned. So I turned to my mother and yelled,

"WHO'S GONNA BURY THE BODY?????"

Johnny Reaper, that's who! He decided it would be best if he took over the prayers and at this point, what was the worse that could happen? So he lead us all in prayer.

Before I continue, let's establish something. Basic speaking skills dictate one needs to take pauses when speaking. Basis grammar dictates that a period is an indication for the reader to make a full stop, a comma indicates a half stop...that's something the British understand very well. Johnny Reaper is not British:

"OurFatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethynameThykingdomcomethywillbedone..."

This is exactly how he recited the The Lord's Prayer. I'm not sure what the rush was. It's not like the guest of honor was going anywhere. If she was even there. I think Johnny grabbed the casket closet to the door at the funeral home. I bet he rushed us along so no one had a chance to notice the big switcheroo. Apparently his tactic worked, because that was the moment when the family broke out into laughter (led by the token Catholic and me. Something that got us scolded for by the rest of the family. Really? Please. I bet Joseph of Arimathea was laughing as he placed Jesus' body in the tomb, "I can't wait to see the pharisees' faces three days from now. Jesus is gonna be all 'Wickedy Wack, I'm Back!' " This is how I mourn...deal with it).

Looking back, I only wish two things: I hope my great-aunt somehow knows the solace/joy this calamity brought to her family; and that she takes comfort knowing we will never again seek the services of Johnny Reaper...over my dead body.

Comment: Crimes Against Humanity - Garden Gnome Death Wish

I'm with you on this one.

However, after looking at the cast list, part of me wishes this was an actual Shakespearean production of Romeo and Juliet:

James McAvoy - Gnomeo (Sure, why not?)
Emily Blunt - Juliet (Sounds good)
Michael Caine - Lord Redbrick (Awesome, whoever Lord Redbrick is.)
Maggie Smith - Lady Blueberry (I don't know who Lady Blueberry is either, but Maggie Smith...pretty awesome)
Patrick Stewart - Bill Shakespeare (Maybe Julie Taymor was a consultant?)

I must admit, these aren't the reasons why I want this to be an actual production. The main reasons:

Hulk Hogan - Terrafirmenator
(O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou brother?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet because Hogan knows best!)

Ozzy Osbourne - Fawn (Why not throw him into the mix, too?)

Maybe I'm a bit jaded - when I studied this play in high school, the teacher made us read the modern English version and not the Shakespearean. Since then, I've always considered Romeo and Juliet to be one of Shakespeare's "lesser" plays (Surely not lesser than Coriolanus? Yes, lesser than Coriolanus).The fact that a modern English version even exists is the true crime against humanity here; anything done to it after that is an improvement. When you dance with the devil, you get burned. Even though you lather on countless tubes of aloe-vera laced with holy water, you'll never be able to soothe the pain of that initial burn. You'll be haunted. The scar tissue will forever serve as a reminder of your fall from grace.

Crimes Against Humanity...: Garden Gnome Death Wish

I think my latest post on my personal blog is whingey enough for the T.A.S.K., so I thought I'd share. Enjoy.

Crimes Against Humanity - The Tempest (2010 Film Adaptation)

Okay...my issues:

1. Prospero is now Prospera - almost didn't see it because of this. This change is really no different than the Huck Finn issue. I'm pretty sure there's a reason why Shakespeare wrote this as a MALE role.
Evidence: Stephen Greenblatt's Will in the World: How Shakespeare Became Shakespeare - there's something biographically to be said about the father/daughter relationship (another fascinating read, Jonathan Bate's The Genius of Shakespeare). Written towards the end of his career, Shakespeare returned to his home in Stratford-upon-Avon to be with his beloved daughter, Susanna, and her family. Just as Prospero returns home in good faith with his daughter, Shakespeare returned as a rich man, whose family would be provided for after he died. He was also able to bestow a coat of arms on his family, something his father John had failed to do. Prospero had a prosperous (HA!) life, was cast aside only to regain prosperity for himself and his family - no different than Shakespeare's life. (So many parallels!)

Then again, the film is an ADAPTATION...I guess that's how Ms. Taymor can sleep at night.

2. Zoolander being cast as Ariel. I'm glad this connection wasn't pointed out to me until after the movie. How was anyone in the theatre able to keep it together when he ran through the air? Or really when he did anything? No...just no.

3. I don't usually like Shakespeare's comedies - this was no different. Taymor's adaptation of Titus was AMAZING; understandably, I had high hopes for this. I think there's just too much happening in the comedies. Everything eventually comes together, but by that point I'm long lost. It almost seems like the comedic characters are being played way over the top, too.

4. Prospero is now Prospera - if you want to toot your feminist horn, fine...but make a movie about Gloria Steinem. Leave Shakespeare off of your agenda!

That's all for now. Please, feel free to add to this list. I know I can't be alone on numbers 1 and 4.

Crimes Against Humanity (or maybe just Literature...which is the same thing): Huck Finn

So they've just announced the publication of a new edition of Huckleberry Finn in which the "N" word will be censored and replaced by the word "slave." Of course every major website with two brain cells to rub together has commented on the news (as you can tell, I've only read the ones against the censorship...I'm sure there are those in favor of it, but just the thought of them make me scared for the state of humanity.)

The Faster Times had this to say:

"This edition alters the original text, changing the word “nigger” to “slave,” which, we guess, teaches children the important  false lesson that Southerners once owned slaves but didn’t call them by mean dehumanizing names, which apparently is worse on the moral relativity scale, or something..."

And I must say I wholeheartedly agree. Everyone's argument against the censorship so far seems to be that the book is actually meant to discourage racism, not encourage the use of the N word - children should read it and learn how not to be racist. This is definitely great, and a valid reason not to censor the book in this way. But, while I appreciate anyone willing to speak out against literary censorship, this is not the reason the book should stay in it's original form. That would be um...because that's the ORIGINAL FREAKING FORM of the text. You can't just change an author's writing 115 years after it's been published because it doesn't suit the times anymore.

Books are time capsules - proof of times past, moments frozen in time for the memory of society as a whole. Just because society has finally got on the whole black-people-are-people-too bandwagon doesn't mean that 115 years ago people didn't use the N word.

We all know I'm a literature nerd and so text is sacred to me, so it's no surprise I'm against censorship like this. (Since when are the thoughts occurring inside an author's mind subject to changes and edits simply because those thoughts were born 100 years ago? It's misrepresentation of the author and his or her intent.) But it's not just literature that's being threatened with something like this, it's history itself. As shameful as it is, those words were said. Changing Huckleberry Finn doesn't change that fact...it's simply a way of running away from it.

Now I don't want to attack the scholars who have come out with this book too much because I don't think they're actually trying to be the big bad wolves of this situation. They told NPR that the reason for the new edition is so that the book won't be banned in schools and more children can be expose to Mark Twain's masterpiece. But my question is, what are they really being exposed to? It's not Mark Twain's work, but merely these scholars' version of it. It should be slapped with their names as author, since Mark Twain probably wouldn't claim the rights to it.

Wouldn't it be more helpful to read this book with children and then discuss why using the N word is wrong? Why slavery and prejudice is wrong? How can you have this discussion when the blunt ugliness of the situation is softened by taking the word out?

And finally I will close with a literary nerd rant:

NPR says:
"One of the scholars, Alan Gribben of Auburn University, tells PW that 'this is not an effort to render Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn colorblind. ... Race matters in these books. It's a matter of how you express that in the 21st century.'"

What I have to say to this scholar is...Are you freaking serious?? How you express it in the 21st century? Write a book about it. Don't change a book written in the 19th century to express the 21st century's tastes. Does that make sense to anyone? I mean, really??
We might as well change all of the Jane Austen novels - and the Brontes' for that matter - to reflect that women can, in fact, own property and hold jobs. Why not let everyone marry for love without impediments as well? I mean that's not fair or very 21st century of those books to be putting women down like that, right?

Let's change every single Dickens book because poor people shouldn't be put in prison simply because they don't have the means to survive. That's wrong!! Oh wait, now Little Dorrit doesn't exist. 

And poor little Holden Caufield is losing pieces of his story because we all know the whole male-mentor-hitting-on-him scene has to go from The Catcher in the Rye. If we just take that part out, maybe the schools will allow it and all those children can be exposed to the joys of Salinger. Except it won't be Salinger anymore.

It is at the very least re-writing and destroying the purity author's work. At the very worst, it would be a crime against humanity (or maybe just literature...which to me is the same thing).

Comment: Crocs (The Rant Moves on to Tivas and Obscenity)

Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Disneyworld is just a place on earth that wishes it were Disneyland but isn't on the right side of the country so they made themselves bigger to compensate.


Yeah Crocs on kids are almost as disturbing as Tevas on kids. Have you ever noticed that Tevas are a family thing? Like you never see one person in a family wearing a pair of Tevas while the rest are in decent shoes. It's always the entire freaking family decked out in those weird, uncomfortably revealing shoes. Like if I wanted to see exactly how many hairs you have on your big toe sir (or sometimes madam, if we're honest), I would have found a way to get you barefooted. I don't want to see that while I'm riding the train though, you know? They're totally a cult thing because even the kids are forced to wear them. Like I bet if you see a pregnant Teva wearer, that fetus has probably got Teva's on.

Maybe Crocs are the modest-man's answer to Tevas. For those who aren't feet exhibitionists, you know? It's still wrong!!!!


And don't get me started on these:

THESE ARE NOT OK. Have you seen these? I saw someone who wore these. I was sitting across the room from him and suddenly saw some wiggling out of the corner of my eye. He was WIGGLING HIS TOES in these. I have never in my life seen something so disturbing. I wanted to cry. I almost did.