Ew. Just Ew

Let me ask you something. What’s the purpose of a belly button ring? Think hard, and come up with the most truthful answer you possibly can – something more real than simply, “they’re cute.” If you think so, I still ask: Why there? Why the belly button? Some possible answers might be:

a) It draws attention to how tiny and flat a stomach is

b) It’s an accessory for the pool-side bikini season

c) It provides a challenge for thrill seekers who enjoy the challenge of getting through the day without getting it caught on any clothing and thus painfully ripping it through several layers of flesh, or

d) It draws attention to how tiny and flat a stomach is

If you’ve thought of any other purposes for a belly button ring, please be sure to educate me in the comments section below. However, I defy you to think of a purpose that would justify the use of the following product.

If you’re thinking that there’s something a little off about the belly button rings pictures above, you’re right. They’re absurdly long. Now I’ll give you all a moment to go take some Dramamine in an attempt to help you deal with the nausea that is about to overwhelm you, as I tell you what these special little rings are for……………

That’s right, you guessed it (or I bet you didn’t, because why would anyone ever think of this?): These are belly button rings for the ladies who currently have no vacancy in their wombs. Knocked up and ready to pop, you can now rest assured you will still be able to accompany your favorite pair of low rise booty shorts and tube top with the perfect accessory!!

These are creepy. My first problem with these is that pregnant belly buttons are weird. I’m continually perplexed by the fact that belly buttons that were once perfectly innocent, normal innies suddenly pop to outties that are like three inches long and show through every shirt and sweater. It’s like no belly button is really safe, except for a man’s of course. Just another cross the female sex has to bear, I suppose.

And secondly I must conclude that these are being marketed for the ever-popular teen moms, since the greatest population of belly button ringers are typically within the 13-17 range.

Those girls are so cool. You know the ones I’m talking about. How could you not? I don’t even have a TV and I know who they are because they’re on every rag mag in the grocery store check-out line – the same magazines that slap Angelina Jolie and Jessica Simpson on the cover every two weeks. The whole country has rewarded them for their actions by first putting them on TV and generating mass faux-sympathy for them and then making them as popular and famous as the movie stars they admire.

So now we’ve got accessories exclusively designed for these cool girls that will keep them in the height of style while they are indisposed with producing progeny. Don’t worry girls, you can still go to your junior high pool party without looking like an unadorned-stomach loser! You may make people gag with your newly acquired, unsightly outie that has sparkle dangling from it, but you go right ahead.