Persons of Interest: Funeral Directors

Have you ever noticed that the word funeral has the word "fun" in it? Strange. Most people don't consider funerals to be very fun ("most" being the operative word). Understandably, they see them as a time for morning...a time to grieve the loss of a loved one. However, there are some who, though upset, use this time to reflect on a life; a celebration of life...and why not? You no longer need to worry about your loved one suffering. Your loved one will never again witness the asininity of mankind (toyless Happy Meals - way to be San Francisco; MTV's Jersey Shore...or really anything on MTV that's not music related).

Not long ago, my great-aunt passed away. She was 94. Merely thinking about her was enough to get her admitted into a hospital. Her passing wasn't so much a shock as it was a realization: she was gone. I knew her funeral wouldn't be a......funeral. Rather, it would be a celebration of her life. Thank God Johnny Reaper was there to host this celebration!

My parents and I arrived at the funeral home a little early for the pre-funeral viewing (it's a little like "pre-gaming" before an event, only no alcohol chilling in a cooler...just a body...chilling in a casket...yeah...I don't do well with open caskets). As soon as we got out of the car, a funeral home employee came up to us and escorted us into the home. As we walked, he very nicely asked whether or not our car would be part of the funeral procession. We very nicely said we weren't sure - depends who needs a ride. No problem. Given that there was only one other person in the room (two if you want to count my great-aunt...ZING!), things were pretty quiet...until Johnny Reaper made his presence known:

Johnny Reaper: *arms flailing* WHO'S DRIVING THAT HONDA????? ARE YOU DRIVING THAT HONDA?????
Mom: *with a look of What the hell? Did I not just go over this with someone? Though you are the owner of this funeral home, would you please show some respect and not yell in front of the cold, lifeless body of my husband's aunt!* We...don't...know...yet!

Unfortunately (or for your reading enjoyment - fortunately), I wish this was the only faux pas committed by Johnny, but it wasn't (like when he almost got into a thrown down with the priest right before the funeral mass...true story). You see, Johnny Reaper clearly no longer has a passion for the funeral business. He's just stopped caring. Which must be rough. I mean, how many people want to make a living off of death (an honest, open living)? This is a career in which one must rail against every new medical break through (when a cure for cancer is found, I bet every undertaker will die, just a little, inside. I wouldn't be surprised if these people are actually behind the Anti-Vaccination Campaign. All that being said, the family made it through the mass with little incident; thanks in part to the token Catholic in the family (you go, ma!). Even with Johnny Reaper lurking around the church, no one felt too awkward.

Then came the burial.

There we stood: graveside on a cold November day, casket ready to be placed in the ground...and no priest. According to Johnny, the priest was at a different cemetery BUT one of his minions was on his way to pick him up. Silly priest, not double checking information Johnny Reaper gives - fool!

So there we still stood: family shivering...my amuptee uncle trying to rent out his wheelchair to anyone who wanted to sit...Johnny Reaper lurking around nearby tombstones (checking out his past work?)...waiting for the priest to arrive.

All of a sudden, Johnny Reaper appears, somewhat out of nowhere as I'm sure he was pretty far away a second before. No one can find the priest.
Naturally, I was very concerned. So I turned to my mother and yelled,

"WHO'S GONNA BURY THE BODY?????"

Johnny Reaper, that's who! He decided it would be best if he took over the prayers and at this point, what was the worse that could happen? So he lead us all in prayer.

Before I continue, let's establish something. Basic speaking skills dictate one needs to take pauses when speaking. Basis grammar dictates that a period is an indication for the reader to make a full stop, a comma indicates a half stop...that's something the British understand very well. Johnny Reaper is not British:

"OurFatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethynameThykingdomcomethywillbedone..."

This is exactly how he recited the The Lord's Prayer. I'm not sure what the rush was. It's not like the guest of honor was going anywhere. If she was even there. I think Johnny grabbed the casket closet to the door at the funeral home. I bet he rushed us along so no one had a chance to notice the big switcheroo. Apparently his tactic worked, because that was the moment when the family broke out into laughter (led by the token Catholic and me. Something that got us scolded for by the rest of the family. Really? Please. I bet Joseph of Arimathea was laughing as he placed Jesus' body in the tomb, "I can't wait to see the pharisees' faces three days from now. Jesus is gonna be all 'Wickedy Wack, I'm Back!' " This is how I mourn...deal with it).

Looking back, I only wish two things: I hope my great-aunt somehow knows the solace/joy this calamity brought to her family; and that she takes comfort knowing we will never again seek the services of Johnny Reaper...over my dead body.