Comment: Ew. Just Ew

I wish Kristin's post was an April Fool's joke...but it's not. Those things are real. I will admit that I gagged quite a bit when I read, "outties that are like three inches long and show through every shirt and sweater". EWWW! It's like a turkey timer: POP! Baby's done! (And don't get me started on a newborn who still has some umbilical cord attached and parents just need to wait a few days - or weeks, I really don't know - for it to fall off!)

Maybe belly button rings are a way to tide teens over until they can get a tattoo? Janie's totally gonna get a sweet tat on her lower back as soon as she's 18 (why are her parents so lame and making her wait soooooo long? Don't they know she's not little Janie anymore. In fact, she's Jane and needs to show this by having a butterfly, fluttering freely through the air, forever imprinted on her lower back? Like, so lame.). The belly button ring is probably a compromise between parent and child. Until she gets that Tramp Stamp on her own, Janie might as well adorn her belly with some bling? Even if her parents signed off a tattoo, would they really want their daughter to get one on her belly? It's like they know she's bound to get knocked up. What if she needs a C-section? That totally original butterfly flying freely along a rainbow, leaving a trail of flowers will get cut up...bummer. The only logical thing to do is pierce that belly!

Why do these...things exist? Isn't flaunting your body all over the place what got you into this situation in the first place? Why would you want to keep it (not to mention if your new outie doesn't go back to an innie)? Do you really want to draw attention to a long, saggy belly button (*dry heave*). Imagine if THAT got caught on some clothes (*continued dry heave*).

In regards to the teen pregnancy shows: yes, I watch them. I'm amazed that teen pregnancy is still an issue in this day and age. On more than one episode the knocked up teen's friend asks, "How did it happen?" What? Really? You're really asking that question? America needs to improve its math skills: that disclaimer about contraception being 99% safe - someone's got to be that 1% and it looks like it's your friend! At least this show has taught me why teen pregnancy is still an issue.

Overall, body piercings just baffle me; however I am a fan of the industrial ear piercing, but only if it's a barbell that looks like a spear. It's like the person had some amazing Gulliver style adventure. Maybe the spear that's lodged in his ear is a proud battle wound (You escaped the Lilliputians? How cool is that?).
Ears are one thing, though. I don't mind looking them. But who, in all honesty, likes looking at belly buttons? It really doesn't need any added attention. Ew...just ew.

Crimes Against Humanity: An Old Word With A New Meaning...Maybe

A few weeks ago I had the following conversation at work:

ME: I don’t think that's ready yet.

CO-WORKER: Oh ok. Just ping me whenever it is.

ME [to myself]: Excuse me, you want me to WHAT you?!

ME [actually out loud, eyes glazed over with confusion]: Sure…?

Now of course I’m not a complete imbecile, and so within the context of this conversation I assumed that my co-worker wanted me to “let her know” whenever the item in question was ready. But this isn’t the only time I’ve heard this new word, and I’d just like to make it clear that I’ve had enough!

First of all, what exactly does “ping” mean? Every time someone threatens to says they’re going to ping me, I walk away wondering if they’ll use a phone, computer, bike messenger, telegraph, or telepathy to get in touch. Is this something that’s stemmed from instant messaging, because of the sound it makes when you receive a message? Maybe, but we don’t have instant messaging capabilities at my job, so I think it must mean other forms of communication as well. I definitely don’t get the nuances of this word.

So I’ve started asking around, to people I really trust and don’t mind looking like a fool in front of, what exactly does this new word “ping” mean?  And the answers that I’ve received have been disappointing.

They usually begin with a straight forward answer that always starts with the word “Oh.” As in, Oh, let me tell you something I can’t BELIEVE you don’t know yet! What kind of rock have you been living under that you don’t know what “ping” means? You ready to be enlightened? Ok.

It’s after the word “Oh” that the answers begin to deviate from each other. I’ve heard:

   A. “Oh, it means email.”

   B. “Oh, it means call”

   C. “Oh, it means IM”

   D. “Oh, it means follow up”

   E. And my favorite “Oh, I have no idea. I’ve been wondering about that too.”

So then I usually follow up with:

   A. But why not just say email?

   B. But why not just say call?

   C. But why not just say message?

   D. But why not just say follow up?

   E. Oh thank god I’m not the only one. Ok I think it’s stupid and I’m not using it.

And the response I get is:  
A. Oh I think it means in real time, like at the exact moment it’s done, instead of just sometime in the future.

B. Yeah I’m not sure. I don’t really get it; I just say it and hope I’m saying it right.

C. Yeah I’m not sure. I don’t really get it; I just say it and hope I’m saying it right.

D. Yeah I’m not sure. I don’t really get it; I just say it and hope I’m saying it right.

E. [shamfully] Oh, I’ve used it. I just say it and hope I’m saying it right.

To answers B through E I say: For shame!! That is terrible. You can’t just say things because other people say them and hope you’re using it in the right context. Yes, I realize this is how any human being actually starts talking in the first place when they’re a baby, but beyond that it really starts to piss me off! That’s no better than wearing a piece of clothing not because it has attracted your eye and you think it’s awesome, but because it’s what all the cool kids are wearing.

To answer A I say: I’m impressed at how long you are willing to drag out this whole thing of you supplying me with an answer that you are really kind of making up on the spot.

I’m beginning to wonder if anyone actually gets the nuances of using this word in this context. And I propose that until someone can let me know EXACTLY what ping means and how it should be used, we should all just go back to saying normal, real words.

Ew. Just Ew

Let me ask you something. What’s the purpose of a belly button ring? Think hard, and come up with the most truthful answer you possibly can – something more real than simply, “they’re cute.” If you think so, I still ask: Why there? Why the belly button? Some possible answers might be:

a) It draws attention to how tiny and flat a stomach is

b) It’s an accessory for the pool-side bikini season

c) It provides a challenge for thrill seekers who enjoy the challenge of getting through the day without getting it caught on any clothing and thus painfully ripping it through several layers of flesh, or

d) It draws attention to how tiny and flat a stomach is

If you’ve thought of any other purposes for a belly button ring, please be sure to educate me in the comments section below. However, I defy you to think of a purpose that would justify the use of the following product.

If you’re thinking that there’s something a little off about the belly button rings pictures above, you’re right. They’re absurdly long. Now I’ll give you all a moment to go take some Dramamine in an attempt to help you deal with the nausea that is about to overwhelm you, as I tell you what these special little rings are for……………

That’s right, you guessed it (or I bet you didn’t, because why would anyone ever think of this?): These are belly button rings for the ladies who currently have no vacancy in their wombs. Knocked up and ready to pop, you can now rest assured you will still be able to accompany your favorite pair of low rise booty shorts and tube top with the perfect accessory!!

These are creepy. My first problem with these is that pregnant belly buttons are weird. I’m continually perplexed by the fact that belly buttons that were once perfectly innocent, normal innies suddenly pop to outties that are like three inches long and show through every shirt and sweater. It’s like no belly button is really safe, except for a man’s of course. Just another cross the female sex has to bear, I suppose.

And secondly I must conclude that these are being marketed for the ever-popular teen moms, since the greatest population of belly button ringers are typically within the 13-17 range.

Those girls are so cool. You know the ones I’m talking about. How could you not? I don’t even have a TV and I know who they are because they’re on every rag mag in the grocery store check-out line – the same magazines that slap Angelina Jolie and Jessica Simpson on the cover every two weeks. The whole country has rewarded them for their actions by first putting them on TV and generating mass faux-sympathy for them and then making them as popular and famous as the movie stars they admire.

So now we’ve got accessories exclusively designed for these cool girls that will keep them in the height of style while they are indisposed with producing progeny. Don’t worry girls, you can still go to your junior high pool party without looking like an unadorned-stomach loser! You may make people gag with your newly acquired, unsightly outie that has sparkle dangling from it, but you go right ahead.