I don't like cupcakes. That's right...I don't like them. I've said it.
Okay...maybe it's not cupcakes themselves but this whole cupcake trend is ridiculous (cooking shows, cupcake-only bakeries, cupcake wedding cakes, etc.).
If there was a cupcake and a slice of cake - same flavor/frosting - I would hands-down go for the slice of cake. This isn't to say I would turn down a cupcake if it was the only option, but given the choice...cake all the way!
My feelings are strictly from a practical standpoint. Cupcakes are so damn difficult to eat. They are...don't deny it. Do you lick the frosting off first? Maybe remove the wrapper and go to town on it? If you just bite right in, you run the risk of smearing frosting all over yourself: face, hands...it can get pretty ugly. DON'T even get me started on people who use a fork to eat a cupcake. CUPCAKES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! Have I eaten a cupcake with a fork: yes. Am I so ashamed that I seriously considered omitting this fact but then worried someone would call me out on it, forcing me to go back and own up to it while looking like a complete hypocrite who must now subject herself to even more ridicule from the masses: YES!
People have gone to great lengths to win me to the cupcake side. Sooooo many people have told me that I just need to have a technique: simply separate the stump from the cap, invert the stump and place it ON TOP of the frosted cap, making a nice little cupcake sandwich.
... ... ...
That seems like A LOT of work for one little cupcake. I'm sure if that's how you're suppose to eat them, that's how they would be sold! Do I even need to mention the increased risk of dropping said cupcake while mutilating it?
Are cupcakes cute? YES! Are they the perfect sweet treat? NO!
That's it. That's my cupcake rant.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Dear Humanity....A Lesson in Public Etiquette
I work in a college.
WHY is it that, every time I go to the restroom, I must face toilets that have not been flushed for what appears to be weeks?
1. If that's the state you're leaving them in, you should probably see a doctor.
2. This is COLLEGE, people! You really can't flush your mess away? REALLY?!
WHY is it that, every time I go to the restroom, I must face toilets that have not been flushed for what appears to be weeks?
1. If that's the state you're leaving them in, you should probably see a doctor.
2. This is COLLEGE, people! You really can't flush your mess away? REALLY?!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Planning a Wedding
This may be a surprise to some of our readers (I write that as though there's a mighty T.A.S.K. army sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for a new post every month), but I will be getting married in a couple of months. The marriage will take place in a Catholic church. Because of this, my fiance (ugh...I hate that word...let's just use Beloved. No lie: that's how we were referred to this weekend, "How does beloved feel about this?") and I had to attend a marriage preparation retreat: The Pre-Cana. It consists of a four hour seminar Saturday night, followed by seven hours on Sunday.
Below is an account of this retreat; events do not occur in real time.
Background
In the days/months leading up to the Pre-Cana, I knew it was going to be ridiculous. Not only is it expected that couples make a donation to the church they will be married in, but I have to pay $120 for this mandatory retreat?! Wasn't the Catholic Church one of the richest organizations in the world? Does it really need to charge for this? What happened to all that money? OH! ... ...
Day 1
So Beloved and I arrived Saturday night and went right over to the check-in table. Being the one who signed us up - and the Catholic - I gave my name first. I was ignored. The woman running the table just stared at Beloved until he gave his name. She then turned to me and said,
"I'm not ignoring you. We just have the men listed in the first column here."
Really...it's that difficult for you to shift your eyes a few inches and look up my name? I gave her the look of death until she checked off our names. Which took much longer than it should have: she was LITERALLY looking at our names and said we weren't listed. Bitch, NO! Continuing my look of death I pointed at our names, to no avail. Apparently, I don't know my beloved's name...? That's when the look of death transformed into the voice of death:
"Here! We're right HERE!"
"Isn't that something. Your name is spelled differently from this man's but you pronounce it the same way!"
No, we don't. Those are two completely different names. Perhaps cross-checking against the female's name would have been of use. But what do I know...I'm just a girl.
After thatbelittling joyful experience, we went to pick up our information folders. I was downright shocked when I was told the official registration form was in my folder! (Why sir, I do believe you are trying to flatter me. Why else would you trust little old me with such an important document? Don't fret, now. I'll hand this off right away to my fiance. He'll be able to take good care of it in his strong, manly hands. I am just simply one helpless damsel without him.) So I gave Beloved the form and insisted, being the man (i.e. more important of the sexes), he needed to take care of the form, to which he mumbled something about it going to be a long weekend.
Boy was he right!
A few minutes later, the priest and presenting married couples entered the room. As important as they think this retreat is, someone should have told Young Wife she could skip the opening remarks so she could finish breast feeding - NOPE! I looked up and saw Young Wife coming down the stairs breast feeding her baby. Huh! Not what I was expecting to see...not at all! (Plus, is it really that safe to be breastfeeding AND walking down stairs?)
The rest of the evening actually wasn't too bad. There would be a presentation, then we divided up to answer some worksheets. After about ten minutes, we searched each other out to discuss our answers. I'll admit, it was pretty nice to have this time set aside to talk without any distractions...except the AA meeting at the end of the hall. The retreat center doesn't have that much space so most of us had to huddle on the hallway floors. I may have mild to moderate OCD, but I'll accept sitting on the floor. However, discussing personal relationship issues with the person you're preparing to spend your life with, surrounded by other couples within earshot, while listening to alcoholic Rob ("Hi, Rob!") discuss his own inner demons...the moment just didn't seem right. Needless to say, Beloved and I weren't taking anything too seriously. So when the "Feelings" presentation began and we were asked to turn to our partner and tell him or her one feeling you're currently feeling, it should be no surprise our answers were:
"I'm kinda sleepy."
"I'm pretty gassy. Why did we stop at Burger King before this? That was a bad idea."
Sleepy and gassy; that pretty much sums up day one.
Day 2
The retreat center was oh so kind enough to provide us with breakfast for the morning: bagels and breads...breakfast foods. I do like me some bagels, but I found it a bit odd that some of the bagels already had cream cheese on them. In one sense, it was a great time saver. I mean, who really wants to be the one to take 50 tiny cream cheese packets, so you have just enough (only to go back up for a few more because you still underestimated how much of a monster you truly are). But on the other hand, it really grosses me out to think a bunch of elderly volunteers were rounded up for this task...with their liver spot covered hands fondling those bagels, coughing their wet, phlegm-y coughs all over them. Then again, it would give the elderly something productive to do, instead of trying to lure unsuspecting parishioners back to their gingerbread houses for Sunday dinner (now that's a story for another time).
So Sunday began with Young Couple telling us that, though it may be very hard, in light of everything we've been learning about our beloved, it might be best to postpone or even cancel the wedding. Excuse me?! I waited 6 years, 9 months, and 10 days for this proposal. The amount of money I've already paid to vendors could have been a nice down payment on a house. Did I hear you correctly? You actually want me to reconsider this wedding? Bitch, NO! It will be a bitter, cold day in hell before the thought of even possibly considering postponing this wedding enters my mind. So cold that, when compared to Star Wars' snow planet of Hoth, Hoth will seem like a sweltering, tropical paradise rich with lush, green vegetation. Since you tried to plant this seed of doubt in Beloved's mind, you ma'am, have moved up on my list! (That's right...you made the cut with the breastfeeding incident from yesterday.)
Then it was on to the Finance presentation. This is when we were regaled by the Postmenopausal Era Couple about the time a money issue lead to a wonderful night of love-making. I don't know the connection between the two. All I know is they were discussing the family's finances and Postmenopausal Era Wife was very concerned. To calm her, Postmenopausal Era Husband stroked her neck...then they made love, "it didn't solve the issue, but it brought [them] together."
I don't know about you, but does anyone else think that Postmenopausal Era Husband was tired of listening to his wife and just wanted to distract her from the issue at hand?
Then is was lunch time. I think they purposely plan lunch right after the finances to keep people there:
Beloved: "So, do you want to stay here for the lunch that's provided or grab something down the street?"
Me: "I don't know. Are we allowed out?"
Beloved: "I'm pretty sure we can leave."
Me: "Yeah...but...if we have lunch here, we could save money...money we can use on wine after this."
So we stayed. We initially were only going to see what they were serving, but it was tough to get out once you entered the dinning hall: several round tables were set up with food - four couples to a table! I'm pretty sure they were keeping tabs on who stayed.
So yeah...we all had to play the "WOW! I'm probably never going to see you again so I really don't care what you have to say but I'm sooooooooo interested in how you met/when your wedding is/where you're going for the honeymoon. PLEASE, continue and tell me more!" Unfortunately for you dear reader, Postmenopausal Era Couple didn't sit at our table; nor did Young Couple. I'm sure I missed a wonderful tutorial in breast feeding from Young Wife - ah well!
Guess what the topic was right after lunch...GUESS!
...
...
...
SEX!
Enter couple number three: NFP Couple (Natural Family Planning, or 'Nother Fetus Please). This is the couple that found everything to be funny...except...contraception:
NFP Wife: "Then we had another little blessing. That's seven in total!" *painfully obvious fake laugh* (but you know it's not fake so you try to pity her but you just can't because of that vainglorious undertone) "Now, some women choose to take those hormone pills. Did you know that most of those pills will allow for fertilization but won't let the fetus attach to the uterine wall...which is an abortion! That's right. Those are abortion pills and we all know what to think about those!" *Again, the fake laugh but this time incredibly inappropriate*
I don't know but I'm pretty sure there's some passage in the Bible about not judging others, lest ye be judged. There's no doubt everyone is harshly judging her so I guess she's in the right. Surely this verbal stoning must be over...
70 Year Old Priest: "The secular world says that living together before marriage is fine. What do you think about this: studies have shown that most couples who lived together before marriage end up divorcing. It's true. They have done studies and that's what they say."
First, Beloved and I can't un-live all those years we've lived together in the past. Second, how do you feel about studies that show homosexuality is not a choice?
(On a side note, I didn't need to know that Young Baby was an NFP baby. I also didn't need to know that Young Couple attended an NFP seminar conducted by NFP Couple in order to learn how to conceive Young Baby. I'm already haunted by the thought of NFP Couple meticulously planning sex...no need to add more into the mix.)
The day ended with a mass and distribution of completion certificates (for real), but not until we had to write love letters to our beloved. When Postmenopausal Era Husband said it was his wife's love letters that helped him through the Navy, all I could think of were the love letters of James Joyce. (If you haven't read these...umm...read at your own risk...'nough said.)
So yeah...that's the Pre-Cana in a nutshell.
Below is an account of this retreat; events do not occur in real time.
Background
In the days/months leading up to the Pre-Cana, I knew it was going to be ridiculous. Not only is it expected that couples make a donation to the church they will be married in, but I have to pay $120 for this mandatory retreat?! Wasn't the Catholic Church one of the richest organizations in the world? Does it really need to charge for this? What happened to all that money? OH! ... ...
Day 1
So Beloved and I arrived Saturday night and went right over to the check-in table. Being the one who signed us up - and the Catholic - I gave my name first. I was ignored. The woman running the table just stared at Beloved until he gave his name. She then turned to me and said,
"I'm not ignoring you. We just have the men listed in the first column here."
Really...it's that difficult for you to shift your eyes a few inches and look up my name? I gave her the look of death until she checked off our names. Which took much longer than it should have: she was LITERALLY looking at our names and said we weren't listed. Bitch, NO! Continuing my look of death I pointed at our names, to no avail. Apparently, I don't know my beloved's name...? That's when the look of death transformed into the voice of death:
"Here! We're right HERE!"
"Isn't that something. Your name is spelled differently from this man's but you pronounce it the same way!"
No, we don't. Those are two completely different names. Perhaps cross-checking against the female's name would have been of use. But what do I know...I'm just a girl.
After that
Boy was he right!
A few minutes later, the priest and presenting married couples entered the room. As important as they think this retreat is, someone should have told Young Wife she could skip the opening remarks so she could finish breast feeding - NOPE! I looked up and saw Young Wife coming down the stairs breast feeding her baby. Huh! Not what I was expecting to see...not at all! (Plus, is it really that safe to be breastfeeding AND walking down stairs?)
The rest of the evening actually wasn't too bad. There would be a presentation, then we divided up to answer some worksheets. After about ten minutes, we searched each other out to discuss our answers. I'll admit, it was pretty nice to have this time set aside to talk without any distractions...except the AA meeting at the end of the hall. The retreat center doesn't have that much space so most of us had to huddle on the hallway floors. I may have mild to moderate OCD, but I'll accept sitting on the floor. However, discussing personal relationship issues with the person you're preparing to spend your life with, surrounded by other couples within earshot, while listening to alcoholic Rob ("Hi, Rob!") discuss his own inner demons...the moment just didn't seem right. Needless to say, Beloved and I weren't taking anything too seriously. So when the "Feelings" presentation began and we were asked to turn to our partner and tell him or her one feeling you're currently feeling, it should be no surprise our answers were:
"I'm kinda sleepy."
"I'm pretty gassy. Why did we stop at Burger King before this? That was a bad idea."
Sleepy and gassy; that pretty much sums up day one.
Day 2
The retreat center was oh so kind enough to provide us with breakfast for the morning: bagels and breads...breakfast foods. I do like me some bagels, but I found it a bit odd that some of the bagels already had cream cheese on them. In one sense, it was a great time saver. I mean, who really wants to be the one to take 50 tiny cream cheese packets, so you have just enough (only to go back up for a few more because you still underestimated how much of a monster you truly are). But on the other hand, it really grosses me out to think a bunch of elderly volunteers were rounded up for this task...with their liver spot covered hands fondling those bagels, coughing their wet, phlegm-y coughs all over them. Then again, it would give the elderly something productive to do, instead of trying to lure unsuspecting parishioners back to their gingerbread houses for Sunday dinner (now that's a story for another time).
So Sunday began with Young Couple telling us that, though it may be very hard, in light of everything we've been learning about our beloved, it might be best to postpone or even cancel the wedding. Excuse me?! I waited 6 years, 9 months, and 10 days for this proposal. The amount of money I've already paid to vendors could have been a nice down payment on a house. Did I hear you correctly? You actually want me to reconsider this wedding? Bitch, NO! It will be a bitter, cold day in hell before the thought of even possibly considering postponing this wedding enters my mind. So cold that, when compared to Star Wars' snow planet of Hoth, Hoth will seem like a sweltering, tropical paradise rich with lush, green vegetation. Since you tried to plant this seed of doubt in Beloved's mind, you ma'am, have moved up on my list! (That's right...you made the cut with the breastfeeding incident from yesterday.)
Then it was on to the Finance presentation. This is when we were regaled by the Postmenopausal Era Couple about the time a money issue lead to a wonderful night of love-making. I don't know the connection between the two. All I know is they were discussing the family's finances and Postmenopausal Era Wife was very concerned. To calm her, Postmenopausal Era Husband stroked her neck...then they made love, "it didn't solve the issue, but it brought [them] together."
I don't know about you, but does anyone else think that Postmenopausal Era Husband was tired of listening to his wife and just wanted to distract her from the issue at hand?
Then is was lunch time. I think they purposely plan lunch right after the finances to keep people there:
Beloved: "So, do you want to stay here for the lunch that's provided or grab something down the street?"
Me: "I don't know. Are we allowed out?"
Beloved: "I'm pretty sure we can leave."
Me: "Yeah...but...if we have lunch here, we could save money...money we can use on wine after this."
So we stayed. We initially were only going to see what they were serving, but it was tough to get out once you entered the dinning hall: several round tables were set up with food - four couples to a table! I'm pretty sure they were keeping tabs on who stayed.
So yeah...we all had to play the "WOW! I'm probably never going to see you again so I really don't care what you have to say but I'm sooooooooo interested in how you met/when your wedding is/where you're going for the honeymoon. PLEASE, continue and tell me more!" Unfortunately for you dear reader, Postmenopausal Era Couple didn't sit at our table; nor did Young Couple. I'm sure I missed a wonderful tutorial in breast feeding from Young Wife - ah well!
Guess what the topic was right after lunch...GUESS!
...
...
...
SEX!
Enter couple number three: NFP Couple (Natural Family Planning, or 'Nother Fetus Please). This is the couple that found everything to be funny...except...contraception:
NFP Wife: "Then we had another little blessing. That's seven in total!" *painfully obvious fake laugh* (but you know it's not fake so you try to pity her but you just can't because of that vainglorious undertone) "Now, some women choose to take those hormone pills. Did you know that most of those pills will allow for fertilization but won't let the fetus attach to the uterine wall...which is an abortion! That's right. Those are abortion pills and we all know what to think about those!" *Again, the fake laugh but this time incredibly inappropriate*
I don't know but I'm pretty sure there's some passage in the Bible about not judging others, lest ye be judged. There's no doubt everyone is harshly judging her so I guess she's in the right. Surely this verbal stoning must be over...
70 Year Old Priest: "The secular world says that living together before marriage is fine. What do you think about this: studies have shown that most couples who lived together before marriage end up divorcing. It's true. They have done studies and that's what they say."
First, Beloved and I can't un-live all those years we've lived together in the past. Second, how do you feel about studies that show homosexuality is not a choice?
(On a side note, I didn't need to know that Young Baby was an NFP baby. I also didn't need to know that Young Couple attended an NFP seminar conducted by NFP Couple in order to learn how to conceive Young Baby. I'm already haunted by the thought of NFP Couple meticulously planning sex...no need to add more into the mix.)
The day ended with a mass and distribution of completion certificates (for real), but not until we had to write love letters to our beloved. When Postmenopausal Era Husband said it was his wife's love letters that helped him through the Navy, all I could think of were the love letters of James Joyce. (If you haven't read these...umm...read at your own risk...'nough said.)
So yeah...that's the Pre-Cana in a nutshell.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Childhood Memories: Full House
Does anyone remember the episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse's song "Forever"made it to number one...in JAPAN! This is NOT to be confused with the one where the family got "stranded" on a "random" island in Hawaii and ended up on stage with the Beach Boys (oops...spoilers...sorry). I have asked countless people and not one knows what I'm talking about. (Okay...I've asked two people, but still...that's two too many!)
The other day I had a huge craving for honey-roasted peanuts. Despite my suspicions about having a mild nut allergy, I bought a small bag which lead me to think about the aforementioned Full House episode. Here's what happened:
Jesse's song "Forever" went to number one in Japan and the record label decided to fly him and his family over for a little tour. Jesse, Becky, their twins (Nicky and Alex - yeah...I even know the middle names of D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle: Margaret, Judith, Elizabeth), and Jesse's Japanese servant had to fight their way through a mob of screaming fans to get to the dressing room. Jesse sends his servant out into the crowd countless times because he keeps changing his mind about what type of nuts he feels like for a snack. He finally settles on the type he had on the plane ride over...Honey-Roasted! Right before he sends his servant (I think his name was Koji or something) out into the crowd again, Becky gives Jesse a look of utter disgust and, in an accusing tone, says "Jess?!" This is when Jesse, innocently asks "What?" Becky backs down.
LATER in the episode, Becky explodes at Jesse because he's not spending enough time with her and the twins, NOR has he written to little Michelle.
MY POINT...Becky is being a douche nozzle*! I mean this is Jesse's DREAM to be a rock star. He's clearly not going to obtain that status in the U.S. (In later seasons, The Rippers eventually kick him out of the band and when Jesse starts a new one he names it...wait for it...Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets. Yeah...nail in the coffin.) Why can't Becky just let him live his dream for a brief few weeks? Sure, he needs to stay grounded but he has work to do! He can't really tell the record company, which is paying for this trip, that he would rather go on a tour of Mount Fuji with his family. Shouldn't Becky be glad the company is letting her and the twins come along?
Becky pulled the same stunt when they went to Disney World, too. Again, Jesse was there to WORK with his band and she got all bitchy because he didn't meet her for a picnic. Really? The whole reason you're there is because of your husband's work. You're really going to bitch about it? Not to mention you're staying at the Grand Floridian...the GRAND FLORIDIAN! Perhaps if Jesse got to tour in Nebraska, Becky would feel differently.
*A special thanks to my friend Suzanne for the term "douche nozzle".
The other day I had a huge craving for honey-roasted peanuts. Despite my suspicions about having a mild nut allergy, I bought a small bag which lead me to think about the aforementioned Full House episode. Here's what happened:
Jesse's song "Forever" went to number one in Japan and the record label decided to fly him and his family over for a little tour. Jesse, Becky, their twins (Nicky and Alex - yeah...I even know the middle names of D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle: Margaret, Judith, Elizabeth), and Jesse's Japanese servant had to fight their way through a mob of screaming fans to get to the dressing room. Jesse sends his servant out into the crowd countless times because he keeps changing his mind about what type of nuts he feels like for a snack. He finally settles on the type he had on the plane ride over...Honey-Roasted! Right before he sends his servant (I think his name was Koji or something) out into the crowd again, Becky gives Jesse a look of utter disgust and, in an accusing tone, says "Jess?!" This is when Jesse, innocently asks "What?" Becky backs down.
LATER in the episode, Becky explodes at Jesse because he's not spending enough time with her and the twins, NOR has he written to little Michelle.
MY POINT...Becky is being a douche nozzle*! I mean this is Jesse's DREAM to be a rock star. He's clearly not going to obtain that status in the U.S. (In later seasons, The Rippers eventually kick him out of the band and when Jesse starts a new one he names it...wait for it...Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets. Yeah...nail in the coffin.) Why can't Becky just let him live his dream for a brief few weeks? Sure, he needs to stay grounded but he has work to do! He can't really tell the record company, which is paying for this trip, that he would rather go on a tour of Mount Fuji with his family. Shouldn't Becky be glad the company is letting her and the twins come along?
Becky pulled the same stunt when they went to Disney World, too. Again, Jesse was there to WORK with his band and she got all bitchy because he didn't meet her for a picnic. Really? The whole reason you're there is because of your husband's work. You're really going to bitch about it? Not to mention you're staying at the Grand Floridian...the GRAND FLORIDIAN! Perhaps if Jesse got to tour in Nebraska, Becky would feel differently.
*A special thanks to my friend Suzanne for the term "douche nozzle".
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