OMG!
NAP! Totally NBD! NY1 can c typing letters is CWOT. U need to T+ about it :)
MBN living up there in your ivory tower, glaring down on us commoners! IS IT?
Yeah, it's pretty damn sweet up here!
That introduction was painful. I'm GLAD to admit that I didn't know what some of those acronyms were. T+...what? Is there a new blood type? Are you contagious? Speaking in tongues (or should I say Typing in Thumbs - ZING!)? Be careful not to put that next to TB (TB T+? You have tuberculosis?!) I feel awful for all those people with dyslexia. This "lingo" must be a nightmare for them to use (BMN? You want blueberry muffins now? ).
And the worst - L8R. Why are you mixing letters and numbers? What is this, MATH?! Do I have to solve for "L" or "R"?
I don't know. This texting lingo could be this generation's shorthand. Maybe...? I'm surprised there hasn't been a surge in the field of stenography.
Okay, I'll come down from my ivory tower and admit I have been guilty of using these words, phrases, abominations of the English language. They are convenient when you're texting, especially if you have an older phone that doesn't have a full key pad. It can get tiring clicking through the keys for a letter. And if you over click...WOO! Just put the phone down.
My real issue is when people start using these abominations outside of their texting realm. I do NOT want to open my work e-mail first thing in the morning and feel like I'm at a Justin Bieber concert...but that's just me.
(On a side note: I was writing a paper once and Microsoft Word automatically transformed my punctuation into a little face. Yeah...I tried to type a colon and parenthesis and got a little smiley face. At first I just thought I used proper punctuation...but no. My punctuation was gone. It was like the computer was mocking me.)
I will say there is a slight glimmer of hope: BM&Y is at least grammatically correct (as short as it is). However, I'm surprised it's not BU&I (between you and I...why is it "Y" anyway? Hasn't society banished "y" and "o" in reference to the word "you"? Damn, does my brain hurt).
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Crimes Against Humanity: Ladies and Gentlement, I give you what's wrong with the state of the world:
A post from my personal blog, but one I'm sure should be taken up by T.A.S.K. as well. I KNOW Shanana must have some words to say on the subject. Check it out here.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Comment: Funeral Directors
First of all Shanana, you are to be commended for your use of the word asininity. I love that that's a word!! I will use it from now on.
Secondly, seriously what is it with funeral directors? The first encounter I can remember was when I was 15 and my grandpa died. We had a small graveside funeral for him, as we had only a few family members with us. After we had sung his favorite hymns and said our goodbyes, we walked back to the cars to find the funeral director standing by his truck, tearing up. He told us the funeral was beautiful, and it reminded him of the small one he'd had for his grandmother the previous year.
This guy was at least in his late forties, and all I could think was You lucky bastard, you got your grandma for thirty more years than I did and now you stand here and brag about it as I bury my own grandparent.
Come to think of it, I may have been a touch too sensitive at the time, but I still think I'm kind of right. I'm sure the guy was trying to be nice, but all he did was make me wish his grandma had died sooner.
The second and more abominable encounter I had with funeral directors happened a few years ago when I lost my dad. My mom and sister and I walked into the funeral home looking like zombies the day after my dad died, in order to make final arrangements. In Nashville they like to make funeral homes look like mansions for god-knows-why, so we drove through this huge (grave-filled) property and parked in the front of a buiding that, I swear to you, was larger than the White House. (I think the reason that they try to disguise the overwhelming number of funeral homes as plantations must be saved for another post.)
Once inside we were left to stand at the bottom of a great winding staircase until the funeral director came out to take us up to his office. After finally appearing, he apologized for our wait, and told us it was just so difficult for him to get up and come into work today because he'd just gotten back from vacation in Mexico.
Nice. Vacation. Like my dad will ever take one of those again. So sorry to interrupt your slow wind-down to that awesome vaction you had. Douche.
Then he proceeded to get increasingly annoyed with us as we continued to pick the cheapest options for everything. My dad was not one to have the cadillac of coffins with which to lower him into the ground. My mom was, naturally, a little out of it and kept worrying over minute details that were unimportant. After she apologized to the funeral director for the third time that the shirt we brought might be a little big because of how much weight my dad had lost, he sighed, annoyed, and said:
"Ma'am, it will be alright. Honestly, we just cut the back of the shirt and pants anyway and wrap it around them in front to make it look like they're wearing it. We can fit the shirt to make it look right."
EXCUSE ME?!!? What person wants to know that? Reader, I would be willing to bet that even you - reading this on a day that does not proceed the day on which you lost your father - even you are probably disturbed by the knowledge that this is in fact how they dress the dead.
Yes, I did picture them lifting the arms up and shimmying first an undershirt and then the button down shirt until it fit properly. Yes, I do expect them to have the decency to go through this trouble. I mean, they have no problem sucking fluids from the dead, can they not manage a little shimmying? That's all I'm asking for.
But I'll settle for not knowing that all those dead people's clothes are cut in half and pinned in back - like they're all part of some high-fashion macabre model photo shoot cat walk.
Not cool Mr. Funeral Director. Not cool at all!
Secondly, seriously what is it with funeral directors? The first encounter I can remember was when I was 15 and my grandpa died. We had a small graveside funeral for him, as we had only a few family members with us. After we had sung his favorite hymns and said our goodbyes, we walked back to the cars to find the funeral director standing by his truck, tearing up. He told us the funeral was beautiful, and it reminded him of the small one he'd had for his grandmother the previous year.
This guy was at least in his late forties, and all I could think was You lucky bastard, you got your grandma for thirty more years than I did and now you stand here and brag about it as I bury my own grandparent.
Come to think of it, I may have been a touch too sensitive at the time, but I still think I'm kind of right. I'm sure the guy was trying to be nice, but all he did was make me wish his grandma had died sooner.
The second and more abominable encounter I had with funeral directors happened a few years ago when I lost my dad. My mom and sister and I walked into the funeral home looking like zombies the day after my dad died, in order to make final arrangements. In Nashville they like to make funeral homes look like mansions for god-knows-why, so we drove through this huge (grave-filled) property and parked in the front of a buiding that, I swear to you, was larger than the White House. (I think the reason that they try to disguise the overwhelming number of funeral homes as plantations must be saved for another post.)
Once inside we were left to stand at the bottom of a great winding staircase until the funeral director came out to take us up to his office. After finally appearing, he apologized for our wait, and told us it was just so difficult for him to get up and come into work today because he'd just gotten back from vacation in Mexico.
Nice. Vacation. Like my dad will ever take one of those again. So sorry to interrupt your slow wind-down to that awesome vaction you had. Douche.
Then he proceeded to get increasingly annoyed with us as we continued to pick the cheapest options for everything. My dad was not one to have the cadillac of coffins with which to lower him into the ground. My mom was, naturally, a little out of it and kept worrying over minute details that were unimportant. After she apologized to the funeral director for the third time that the shirt we brought might be a little big because of how much weight my dad had lost, he sighed, annoyed, and said:
"Ma'am, it will be alright. Honestly, we just cut the back of the shirt and pants anyway and wrap it around them in front to make it look like they're wearing it. We can fit the shirt to make it look right."
EXCUSE ME?!!? What person wants to know that? Reader, I would be willing to bet that even you - reading this on a day that does not proceed the day on which you lost your father - even you are probably disturbed by the knowledge that this is in fact how they dress the dead.
Yes, I did picture them lifting the arms up and shimmying first an undershirt and then the button down shirt until it fit properly. Yes, I do expect them to have the decency to go through this trouble. I mean, they have no problem sucking fluids from the dead, can they not manage a little shimmying? That's all I'm asking for.
But I'll settle for not knowing that all those dead people's clothes are cut in half and pinned in back - like they're all part of some high-fashion macabre model photo shoot cat walk.
Not cool Mr. Funeral Director. Not cool at all!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Persons of Interest: Funeral Directors
Have you ever noticed that the word funeral has the word "fun" in it? Strange. Most people don't consider funerals to be very fun ("most" being the operative word). Understandably, they see them as a time for morning...a time to grieve the loss of a loved one. However, there are some who, though upset, use this time to reflect on a life; a celebration of life...and why not? You no longer need to worry about your loved one suffering. Your loved one will never again witness the asininity of mankind (toyless Happy Meals - way to be San Francisco; MTV's Jersey Shore...or really anything on MTV that's not music related).
Not long ago, my great-aunt passed away. She was 94. Merely thinking about her was enough to get her admitted into a hospital. Her passing wasn't so much a shock as it was a realization: she was gone. I knew her funeral wouldn't be a......funeral. Rather, it would be a celebration of her life. Thank God Johnny Reaper was there to host this celebration!
My parents and I arrived at the funeral home a little early for the pre-funeral viewing (it's a little like "pre-gaming" before an event, only no alcohol chilling in a cooler...just a body...chilling in a casket...yeah...I don't do well with open caskets). As soon as we got out of the car, a funeral home employee came up to us and escorted us into the home. As we walked, he very nicely asked whether or not our car would be part of the funeral procession. We very nicely said we weren't sure - depends who needs a ride. No problem. Given that there was only one other person in the room (two if you want to count my great-aunt...ZING!), things were pretty quiet...until Johnny Reaper made his presence known:
Johnny Reaper: *arms flailing* WHO'S DRIVING THAT HONDA????? ARE YOU DRIVING THAT HONDA?????
Mom: *with a look of What the hell? Did I not just go over this with someone? Though you are the owner of this funeral home, would you please show some respect and not yell in front of the cold, lifeless body of my husband's aunt!* We...don't...know...yet!
Unfortunately (or for your reading enjoyment - fortunately), I wish this was the only faux pas committed by Johnny, but it wasn't (like when he almost got into a thrown down with the priest right before the funeral mass...true story). You see, Johnny Reaper clearly no longer has a passion for the funeral business. He's just stopped caring. Which must be rough. I mean, how many people want to make a living off of death (an honest, open living)? This is a career in which one must rail against every new medical break through (when a cure for cancer is found, I bet every undertaker will die, just a little, inside. I wouldn't be surprised if these people are actually behind the Anti-Vaccination Campaign. All that being said, the family made it through the mass with little incident; thanks in part to the token Catholic in the family (you go, ma!). Even with Johnny Reaper lurking around the church, no one felt too awkward.
Then came the burial.
There we stood: graveside on a cold November day, casket ready to be placed in the ground...and no priest. According to Johnny, the priest was at a different cemetery BUT one of his minions was on his way to pick him up. Silly priest, not double checking information Johnny Reaper gives - fool!
So there we still stood: family shivering...my amuptee uncle trying to rent out his wheelchair to anyone who wanted to sit...Johnny Reaper lurking around nearby tombstones (checking out his past work?)...waiting for the priest to arrive.
All of a sudden, Johnny Reaper appears, somewhat out of nowhere as I'm sure he was pretty far away a second before. No one can find the priest.
Naturally, I was very concerned. So I turned to my mother and yelled,
"WHO'S GONNA BURY THE BODY?????"
Johnny Reaper, that's who! He decided it would be best if he took over the prayers and at this point, what was the worse that could happen? So he lead us all in prayer.
Before I continue, let's establish something. Basic speaking skills dictate one needs to take pauses when speaking. Basis grammar dictates that a period is an indication for the reader to make a full stop, a comma indicates a half stop...that's something the British understand very well. Johnny Reaper is not British:
"OurFatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethynameThykingdomcomethywillbedone..."
This is exactly how he recited the The Lord's Prayer. I'm not sure what the rush was. It's not like the guest of honor was going anywhere. If she was even there. I think Johnny grabbed the casket closet to the door at the funeral home. I bet he rushed us along so no one had a chance to notice the big switcheroo. Apparently his tactic worked, because that was the moment when the family broke out into laughter (led by the token Catholic and me. Something that got us scolded for by the rest of the family. Really? Please. I bet Joseph of Arimathea was laughing as he placed Jesus' body in the tomb, "I can't wait to see the pharisees' faces three days from now. Jesus is gonna be all 'Wickedy Wack, I'm Back!' " This is how I mourn...deal with it).
Looking back, I only wish two things: I hope my great-aunt somehow knows the solace/joy this calamity brought to her family; and that she takes comfort knowing we will never again seek the services of Johnny Reaper...over my dead body.
Not long ago, my great-aunt passed away. She was 94. Merely thinking about her was enough to get her admitted into a hospital. Her passing wasn't so much a shock as it was a realization: she was gone. I knew her funeral wouldn't be a......funeral. Rather, it would be a celebration of her life. Thank God Johnny Reaper was there to host this celebration!
My parents and I arrived at the funeral home a little early for the pre-funeral viewing (it's a little like "pre-gaming" before an event, only no alcohol chilling in a cooler...just a body...chilling in a casket...yeah...I don't do well with open caskets). As soon as we got out of the car, a funeral home employee came up to us and escorted us into the home. As we walked, he very nicely asked whether or not our car would be part of the funeral procession. We very nicely said we weren't sure - depends who needs a ride. No problem. Given that there was only one other person in the room (two if you want to count my great-aunt...ZING!), things were pretty quiet...until Johnny Reaper made his presence known:
Johnny Reaper: *arms flailing* WHO'S DRIVING THAT HONDA????? ARE YOU DRIVING THAT HONDA?????
Mom: *with a look of What the hell? Did I not just go over this with someone? Though you are the owner of this funeral home, would you please show some respect and not yell in front of the cold, lifeless body of my husband's aunt!* We...don't...know...yet!
Unfortunately (or for your reading enjoyment - fortunately), I wish this was the only faux pas committed by Johnny, but it wasn't (like when he almost got into a thrown down with the priest right before the funeral mass...true story). You see, Johnny Reaper clearly no longer has a passion for the funeral business. He's just stopped caring. Which must be rough. I mean, how many people want to make a living off of death (an honest, open living)? This is a career in which one must rail against every new medical break through (when a cure for cancer is found, I bet every undertaker will die, just a little, inside. I wouldn't be surprised if these people are actually behind the Anti-Vaccination Campaign. All that being said, the family made it through the mass with little incident; thanks in part to the token Catholic in the family (you go, ma!). Even with Johnny Reaper lurking around the church, no one felt too awkward.
Then came the burial.
There we stood: graveside on a cold November day, casket ready to be placed in the ground...and no priest. According to Johnny, the priest was at a different cemetery BUT one of his minions was on his way to pick him up. Silly priest, not double checking information Johnny Reaper gives - fool!
So there we still stood: family shivering...my amuptee uncle trying to rent out his wheelchair to anyone who wanted to sit...Johnny Reaper lurking around nearby tombstones (checking out his past work?)...waiting for the priest to arrive.
All of a sudden, Johnny Reaper appears, somewhat out of nowhere as I'm sure he was pretty far away a second before. No one can find the priest.
Naturally, I was very concerned. So I turned to my mother and yelled,
"WHO'S GONNA BURY THE BODY?????"
Johnny Reaper, that's who! He decided it would be best if he took over the prayers and at this point, what was the worse that could happen? So he lead us all in prayer.
Before I continue, let's establish something. Basic speaking skills dictate one needs to take pauses when speaking. Basis grammar dictates that a period is an indication for the reader to make a full stop, a comma indicates a half stop...that's something the British understand very well. Johnny Reaper is not British:
"
This is exactly how he recited the The Lord's Prayer. I'm not sure what the rush was. It's not like the guest of honor was going anywhere. If she was even there. I think Johnny grabbed the casket closet to the door at the funeral home. I bet he rushed us along so no one had a chance to notice the big switcheroo. Apparently his tactic worked, because that was the moment when the family broke out into laughter (led by the token Catholic and me. Something that got us scolded for by the rest of the family. Really? Please. I bet Joseph of Arimathea was laughing as he placed Jesus' body in the tomb, "I can't wait to see the pharisees' faces three days from now. Jesus is gonna be all 'Wickedy Wack, I'm Back!' " This is how I mourn...deal with it).
Looking back, I only wish two things: I hope my great-aunt somehow knows the solace/joy this calamity brought to her family; and that she takes comfort knowing we will never again seek the services of Johnny Reaper...over my dead body.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Comment: Crimes Against Humanity - Garden Gnome Death Wish
I'm with you on this one.
However, after looking at the cast list, part of me wishes this was an actual Shakespearean production of Romeo and Juliet:
James McAvoy - Gnomeo (Sure, why not?)
Emily Blunt - Juliet (Sounds good)
Michael Caine - Lord Redbrick (Awesome, whoever Lord Redbrick is.)
Maggie Smith - Lady Blueberry (I don't know who Lady Blueberry is either, but Maggie Smith...pretty awesome)
Patrick Stewart - Bill Shakespeare (Maybe Julie Taymor was a consultant?)
I must admit, these aren't the reasons why I want this to be an actual production. The main reasons:
Hulk Hogan - Terrafirmenator
(O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou brother?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet because Hogan knows best!)
Ozzy Osbourne - Fawn (Why not throw him into the mix, too?)
Maybe I'm a bit jaded - when I studied this play in high school, the teacher made us read the modern English version and not the Shakespearean. Since then, I've always considered Romeo and Juliet to be one of Shakespeare's "lesser" plays (Surely not lesser than Coriolanus? Yes, lesser than Coriolanus).The fact that a modern English version even exists is the true crime against humanity here; anything done to it after that is an improvement. When you dance with the devil, you get burned. Even though you lather on countless tubes of aloe-vera laced with holy water, you'll never be able to soothe the pain of that initial burn. You'll be haunted. The scar tissue will forever serve as a reminder of your fall from grace.
However, after looking at the cast list, part of me wishes this was an actual Shakespearean production of Romeo and Juliet:
James McAvoy - Gnomeo (Sure, why not?)
Emily Blunt - Juliet (Sounds good)
Michael Caine - Lord Redbrick (Awesome, whoever Lord Redbrick is.)
Maggie Smith - Lady Blueberry (I don't know who Lady Blueberry is either, but Maggie Smith...pretty awesome)
Patrick Stewart - Bill Shakespeare (Maybe Julie Taymor was a consultant?)
I must admit, these aren't the reasons why I want this to be an actual production. The main reasons:
Hulk Hogan - Terrafirmenator
(O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou brother?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet because Hogan knows best!)
Ozzy Osbourne - Fawn (Why not throw him into the mix, too?)
Maybe I'm a bit jaded - when I studied this play in high school, the teacher made us read the modern English version and not the Shakespearean. Since then, I've always considered Romeo and Juliet to be one of Shakespeare's "lesser" plays (Surely not lesser than Coriolanus? Yes, lesser than Coriolanus).The fact that a modern English version even exists is the true crime against humanity here; anything done to it after that is an improvement. When you dance with the devil, you get burned. Even though you lather on countless tubes of aloe-vera laced with holy water, you'll never be able to soothe the pain of that initial burn. You'll be haunted. The scar tissue will forever serve as a reminder of your fall from grace.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Crimes Against Humanity...: Garden Gnome Death Wish
I think my latest post on my personal blog is whingey enough for the T.A.S.K., so I thought I'd share. Enjoy.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Crimes Against Humanity - The Tempest (2010 Film Adaptation)
Okay...my issues:
1. Prospero is now Prospera - almost didn't see it because of this. This change is really no different than the Huck Finn issue. I'm pretty sure there's a reason why Shakespeare wrote this as a MALE role.
Evidence: Stephen Greenblatt's Will in the World: How Shakespeare Became Shakespeare - there's something biographically to be said about the father/daughter relationship (another fascinating read, Jonathan Bate's The Genius of Shakespeare). Written towards the end of his career, Shakespeare returned to his home in Stratford-upon-Avon to be with his beloved daughter, Susanna, and her family. Just as Prospero returns home in good faith with his daughter, Shakespeare returned as a rich man, whose family would be provided for after he died. He was also able to bestow a coat of arms on his family, something his father John had failed to do. Prospero had a prosperous (HA!) life, was cast aside only to regain prosperity for himself and his family - no different than Shakespeare's life. (So many parallels!)
Then again, the film is an ADAPTATION...I guess that's how Ms. Taymor can sleep at night.
2. Zoolander being cast as Ariel. I'm glad this connection wasn't pointed out to me until after the movie. How was anyone in the theatre able to keep it together when he ran through the air? Or really when he did anything? No...just no.
3. I don't usually like Shakespeare's comedies - this was no different. Taymor's adaptation of Titus was AMAZING; understandably, I had high hopes for this. I think there's just too much happening in the comedies. Everything eventually comes together, but by that point I'm long lost. It almost seems like the comedic characters are being played way over the top, too.
4. Prospero is now Prospera - if you want to toot your feminist horn, fine...but make a movie about Gloria Steinem. Leave Shakespeare off of your agenda!
That's all for now. Please, feel free to add to this list. I know I can't be alone on numbers 1 and 4.
1. Prospero is now Prospera - almost didn't see it because of this. This change is really no different than the Huck Finn issue. I'm pretty sure there's a reason why Shakespeare wrote this as a MALE role.
Evidence: Stephen Greenblatt's Will in the World: How Shakespeare Became Shakespeare - there's something biographically to be said about the father/daughter relationship (another fascinating read, Jonathan Bate's The Genius of Shakespeare). Written towards the end of his career, Shakespeare returned to his home in Stratford-upon-Avon to be with his beloved daughter, Susanna, and her family. Just as Prospero returns home in good faith with his daughter, Shakespeare returned as a rich man, whose family would be provided for after he died. He was also able to bestow a coat of arms on his family, something his father John had failed to do. Prospero had a prosperous (HA!) life, was cast aside only to regain prosperity for himself and his family - no different than Shakespeare's life. (So many parallels!)
Then again, the film is an ADAPTATION...I guess that's how Ms. Taymor can sleep at night.
2. Zoolander being cast as Ariel. I'm glad this connection wasn't pointed out to me until after the movie. How was anyone in the theatre able to keep it together when he ran through the air? Or really when he did anything? No...just no.
3. I don't usually like Shakespeare's comedies - this was no different. Taymor's adaptation of Titus was AMAZING; understandably, I had high hopes for this. I think there's just too much happening in the comedies. Everything eventually comes together, but by that point I'm long lost. It almost seems like the comedic characters are being played way over the top, too.
4. Prospero is now Prospera - if you want to toot your feminist horn, fine...but make a movie about Gloria Steinem. Leave Shakespeare off of your agenda!
That's all for now. Please, feel free to add to this list. I know I can't be alone on numbers 1 and 4.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Crimes Against Humanity (or maybe just Literature...which is the same thing): Huck Finn
So they've just announced the publication of a new edition of Huckleberry Finn in which the "N" word will be censored and replaced by the word "slave." Of course every major website with two brain cells to rub together has commented on the news (as you can tell, I've only read the ones against the censorship...I'm sure there are those in favor of it, but just the thought of them make me scared for the state of humanity.)
The Faster Times had this to say:
"This edition alters the original text, changing the word “nigger” to “slave,” which, we guess, teaches children the important false lesson that Southerners once owned slaves but didn’t call them by mean dehumanizing names, which apparently is worse on the moral relativity scale, or something..."
And I must say I wholeheartedly agree. Everyone's argument against the censorship so far seems to be that the book is actually meant to discourage racism, not encourage the use of the N word - children should read it and learn how not to be racist. This is definitely great, and a valid reason not to censor the book in this way. But, while I appreciate anyone willing to speak out against literary censorship, this is not the reason the book should stay in it's original form. That would be um...because that's the ORIGINAL FREAKING FORM of the text. You can't just change an author's writing 115 years after it's been published because it doesn't suit the times anymore.
Books are time capsules - proof of times past, moments frozen in time for the memory of society as a whole. Just because society has finally got on the whole black-people-are-people-too bandwagon doesn't mean that 115 years ago people didn't use the N word.
We all know I'm a literature nerd and so text is sacred to me, so it's no surprise I'm against censorship like this. (Since when are the thoughts occurring inside an author's mind subject to changes and edits simply because those thoughts were born 100 years ago? It's misrepresentation of the author and his or her intent.) But it's not just literature that's being threatened with something like this, it's history itself. As shameful as it is, those words were said. Changing Huckleberry Finn doesn't change that fact...it's simply a way of running away from it.
Now I don't want to attack the scholars who have come out with this book too much because I don't think they're actually trying to be the big bad wolves of this situation. They told NPR that the reason for the new edition is so that the book won't be banned in schools and more children can be expose to Mark Twain's masterpiece. But my question is, what are they really being exposed to? It's not Mark Twain's work, but merely these scholars' version of it. It should be slapped with their names as author, since Mark Twain probably wouldn't claim the rights to it.
Wouldn't it be more helpful to read this book with children and then discuss why using the N word is wrong? Why slavery and prejudice is wrong? How can you have this discussion when the blunt ugliness of the situation is softened by taking the word out?
And finally I will close with a literary nerd rant:
NPR says:
"One of the scholars, Alan Gribben of Auburn University, tells PW that 'this is not an effort to render Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn colorblind. ... Race matters in these books. It's a matter of how you express that in the 21st century.'"
What I have to say to this scholar is...Are you freaking serious?? How you express it in the 21st century? Write a book about it. Don't change a book written in the 19th century to express the 21st century's tastes. Does that make sense to anyone? I mean, really??
We might as well change all of the Jane Austen novels - and the Brontes' for that matter - to reflect that women can, in fact, own property and hold jobs. Why not let everyone marry for love without impediments as well? I mean that's not fair or very 21st century of those books to be putting women down like that, right?
Let's change every single Dickens book because poor people shouldn't be put in prison simply because they don't have the means to survive. That's wrong!! Oh wait, now Little Dorrit doesn't exist.
And poor little Holden Caufield is losing pieces of his story because we all know the whole male-mentor-hitting-on-him scene has to go from The Catcher in the Rye. If we just take that part out, maybe the schools will allow it and all those children can be exposed to the joys of Salinger. Except it won't be Salinger anymore.
It is at the very least re-writing and destroying the purity author's work. At the very worst, it would be a crime against humanity (or maybe just literature...which to me is the same thing).
The Faster Times had this to say:
"This edition alters the original text, changing the word “nigger” to “slave,” which, we guess, teaches children the important false lesson that Southerners once owned slaves but didn’t call them by mean dehumanizing names, which apparently is worse on the moral relativity scale, or something..."
And I must say I wholeheartedly agree. Everyone's argument against the censorship so far seems to be that the book is actually meant to discourage racism, not encourage the use of the N word - children should read it and learn how not to be racist. This is definitely great, and a valid reason not to censor the book in this way. But, while I appreciate anyone willing to speak out against literary censorship, this is not the reason the book should stay in it's original form. That would be um...because that's the ORIGINAL FREAKING FORM of the text. You can't just change an author's writing 115 years after it's been published because it doesn't suit the times anymore.
Books are time capsules - proof of times past, moments frozen in time for the memory of society as a whole. Just because society has finally got on the whole black-people-are-people-too bandwagon doesn't mean that 115 years ago people didn't use the N word.
We all know I'm a literature nerd and so text is sacred to me, so it's no surprise I'm against censorship like this. (Since when are the thoughts occurring inside an author's mind subject to changes and edits simply because those thoughts were born 100 years ago? It's misrepresentation of the author and his or her intent.) But it's not just literature that's being threatened with something like this, it's history itself. As shameful as it is, those words were said. Changing Huckleberry Finn doesn't change that fact...it's simply a way of running away from it.
Now I don't want to attack the scholars who have come out with this book too much because I don't think they're actually trying to be the big bad wolves of this situation. They told NPR that the reason for the new edition is so that the book won't be banned in schools and more children can be expose to Mark Twain's masterpiece. But my question is, what are they really being exposed to? It's not Mark Twain's work, but merely these scholars' version of it. It should be slapped with their names as author, since Mark Twain probably wouldn't claim the rights to it.
Wouldn't it be more helpful to read this book with children and then discuss why using the N word is wrong? Why slavery and prejudice is wrong? How can you have this discussion when the blunt ugliness of the situation is softened by taking the word out?
And finally I will close with a literary nerd rant:
NPR says:
"One of the scholars, Alan Gribben of Auburn University, tells PW that 'this is not an effort to render Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn colorblind. ... Race matters in these books. It's a matter of how you express that in the 21st century.'"
What I have to say to this scholar is...Are you freaking serious?? How you express it in the 21st century? Write a book about it. Don't change a book written in the 19th century to express the 21st century's tastes. Does that make sense to anyone? I mean, really??
We might as well change all of the Jane Austen novels - and the Brontes' for that matter - to reflect that women can, in fact, own property and hold jobs. Why not let everyone marry for love without impediments as well? I mean that's not fair or very 21st century of those books to be putting women down like that, right?
Let's change every single Dickens book because poor people shouldn't be put in prison simply because they don't have the means to survive. That's wrong!! Oh wait, now Little Dorrit doesn't exist.
And poor little Holden Caufield is losing pieces of his story because we all know the whole male-mentor-hitting-on-him scene has to go from The Catcher in the Rye. If we just take that part out, maybe the schools will allow it and all those children can be exposed to the joys of Salinger. Except it won't be Salinger anymore.
It is at the very least re-writing and destroying the purity author's work. At the very worst, it would be a crime against humanity (or maybe just literature...which to me is the same thing).
Monday, January 3, 2011
Comment: Crocs (The Rant Moves on to Tivas and Obscenity)
Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Disneyworld is just a place on earth that wishes it were Disneyland but isn't on the right side of the country so they made themselves bigger to compensate.
Yeah Crocs on kids are almost as disturbing as Tevas on kids. Have you ever noticed that Tevas are a family thing? Like you never see one person in a family wearing a pair of Tevas while the rest are in decent shoes. It's always the entire freaking family decked out in those weird, uncomfortably revealing shoes. Like if I wanted to see exactly how many hairs you have on your big toe sir (or sometimes madam, if we're honest), I would have found a way to get you barefooted. I don't want to see that while I'm riding the train though, you know? They're totally a cult thing because even the kids are forced to wear them. Like I bet if you see a pregnant Teva wearer, that fetus has probably got Teva's on.
Maybe Crocs are the modest-man's answer to Tevas. For those who aren't feet exhibitionists, you know? It's still wrong!!!!
And don't get me started on these:
THESE ARE NOT OK. Have you seen these? I saw someone who wore these. I was sitting across the room from him and suddenly saw some wiggling out of the corner of my eye. He was WIGGLING HIS TOES in these. I have never in my life seen something so disturbing. I wanted to cry. I almost did.
Yeah Crocs on kids are almost as disturbing as Tevas on kids. Have you ever noticed that Tevas are a family thing? Like you never see one person in a family wearing a pair of Tevas while the rest are in decent shoes. It's always the entire freaking family decked out in those weird, uncomfortably revealing shoes. Like if I wanted to see exactly how many hairs you have on your big toe sir (or sometimes madam, if we're honest), I would have found a way to get you barefooted. I don't want to see that while I'm riding the train though, you know? They're totally a cult thing because even the kids are forced to wear them. Like I bet if you see a pregnant Teva wearer, that fetus has probably got Teva's on.
Maybe Crocs are the modest-man's answer to Tevas. For those who aren't feet exhibitionists, you know? It's still wrong!!!!
And don't get me started on these:
THESE ARE NOT OK. Have you seen these? I saw someone who wore these. I was sitting across the room from him and suddenly saw some wiggling out of the corner of my eye. He was WIGGLING HIS TOES in these. I have never in my life seen something so disturbing. I wanted to cry. I almost did.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Comment: Crocs
HA! Infiltrating undercover! So true.
They really make me angry. When I went to Disney World a few years ago, they were everywhere. I was angry in the Happiest Place on Earth (or Happier...is Disneyland the Happiest?) Either way, it wasn't right!
I can understand if you need to wear them because you're on your feet all day and they really help your feet - chefs, nurses...that's about it. Those are the only professions I've even seen wear them. No one else should EVER wear them...EVER.
"But they look so cute on little kids." No, they don't. Baby goats would look pretty silly in Crocs! (But seriously, children don't look cute...they look like little shits who can't walk correctly in their gigantic shoes. Whatever happened to the cool light-up sneakers? Granted, I never had a pair and never really understood why anyone would want them, but I'd rather see those than Crocs...at least you know when a gang of children is about to attack you at night...like the Gingers in that South Park episode...creepy).
And they have stores devoted just to Crocs - all they sell...CROCS! Is there really such a need for them that they need to have their own stores?! Really!?
They really make me angry. When I went to Disney World a few years ago, they were everywhere. I was angry in the Happiest Place on Earth (or Happier...is Disneyland the Happiest?) Either way, it wasn't right!
I can understand if you need to wear them because you're on your feet all day and they really help your feet - chefs, nurses...that's about it. Those are the only professions I've even seen wear them. No one else should EVER wear them...EVER.
"But they look so cute on little kids." No, they don't. Baby goats would look pretty silly in Crocs! (But seriously, children don't look cute...they look like little shits who can't walk correctly in their gigantic shoes. Whatever happened to the cool light-up sneakers? Granted, I never had a pair and never really understood why anyone would want them, but I'd rather see those than Crocs...at least you know when a gang of children is about to attack you at night...like the Gingers in that South Park episode...creepy).
And they have stores devoted just to Crocs - all they sell...CROCS! Is there really such a need for them that they need to have their own stores?! Really!?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Comment: Crocs
I so agree with you on the crocs. They look like you have tires on your feet. Ugly neon tires in colors that should only have happened in 1986. Ew. They make you look like you're a nurse who nurses at a rave or something.
And they've tried making sleeker models and those for some completely irrational reason freak me out way more. It's like they're infiltrating undercover. Like robots that wear people skin. If you're going to be a robot, the least you could do is obviously be a robot, like with metal and all that.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Persons of Interest: Nas-tea Shop
(Before I begin, I need to address a serious issue: When did "persons" become an accepted plural noun? Isn't the plural of person people? I've noticed this with fish - when did "fishes" become acceptable?
If anyone can clear this up, please do so. It's of great concern to me.)
I like tea. The problem: not many places sell tea, which means fewer place sell loose tea. It's pretty simple for a coffee lover to pop in the local Starbucks or latest hipster coffee lounge (*shutter*) and grab a freshly brewed cup of exotically blended coffee. Not so for tea drinkers. Sure, Starbucks has teabags and some smaller coffee shops will offer loose tea. It's...okay...I guess, but I want more. I don't want to be handed a cup full of boiling water with a burnt teabag bobbing around like a sun-bleached buoy. I want a full on tea bar. I want special blends freshly brewed before my eyes. Should I add sugar...honey...milk...leave it black (or green...or white)? Questions of the past! The tea brewers will know exactly what to do to achieve the best cup of your favorite tea, whether simple black or exotic rooibos. That's my dream. Oh, and they'll do it without a smarmy attitude.
It was Columbus Day. I had the day off from work and decided to grab some lunch with my parents. We went to a mall and my mom and I decided to stop in Teavana to pick up some tea (REALLY!?) as a Thank You gift for a family friend. I've shopped there before, so I knew what to expect from the sales people. It's sales...they're going to push but still let the customer stay in control (lies...I'll totally buy more tea with mere suggestions, but I still feel good when I leave). However, I could tell as soon as I walked in that this visit was going to be different, gravely different.
As we walked in, I noticed the sales man looked rather dapper...a little too dapper for a sales man who works in a mall, chain, tea store: suit, tie, dress shoes (*please keep this in mind for the rest of the rant). Whatever. Maybe he has a great work ethic - Good for you, Dapper Dan.
I decided to get an infuser to go along with this tea basket. Why have a bunch of loose tea and nothing to brew it in? I picked out a nice, simple, single-cup one much like the following:
Nothing fancy, but gets the job done.
I brought it over to the counter and prepared for battle. (I'm ready! You're not going to load me down with all this unwanted tea. I'm gonna stick to my list, pay, and leave. You're not going to win THIS time, Teavana.) Before I could place my order, the teaologist (yeah, the workers are called "teaologist". Seriously? Seriously) comments on the infuser:
Dapper Dan: I see you're buying a tea infuser.
Me: Yep.
Dapper Dan: May I make a suggestion for the exact same price you can get a much better one.
He shows me the following:
Crazy, huh? The top cup is the infuser and when you place it on top of another cup, the tea strains through. Supposedly, it's wonderful. I'll admit that I did buy one for my dad thinking he would be enthralled by it. He used it once. It's a bitch to clean.
Me (to my mom): Yeah. I can see her making a mess of that. (Not "with that", mind you. The recipient is a very "hectic" woman and I envisioned bad things.)
Dapper Dan: Actually, that other one is a lot messier. You don't have to lift this out of the tea and worry about it dripping everywhere.
Me: Okay...our friend might be "hectic", to say the least but she's competent enough to lift a small metal cup out of a larger cup. She's not that lazy. Yeah...uh...the kids! Yeah, her kids are gonna LOVE that. I see very bad things happening with it (*this friend lives with her young niece and nephews...who are possibly easily amused).
Dapper Dan: NOT if you keep it out of their hands!
Me: Hello! WHAT!?
Mom: You don't know these children. That's a lot easier said than done.
Disgruntled, Dapper Dan went back to the register and took my order. While he was scooping out the tea, my mother and I decided to buy a little English Breakfast tea. It's a simple, basic black tea we knew our friend liked. If she didn't care for the other two blends we gave, at least she had English Breakfast.
Me: Could I also get some English Breakfast, please?
Dapper Dan: *eye roll* I honestly would get Golden Monkey. English Breakfast...well...it's the hot dog of the tea world. We only carry it because people demand it.
Me: I like hot dogs. Where's he going with...NOT COOL! Dude, turn around! You carry a tea called "Weight to Go!" If that's not selling out, I don't know what is. I bet you don't even drink tea! You work in a CHAIN...in a MALL. What? The interview with Harney&Sons didn't go well? Could I please talk with someone who values/needs this $8.50/hour job?
This bashing of English Breakfast continued for the next five minutes, while he continued trying to sell me the $18.50/2 oz. Golden Monkey (I like monkeys, but it smelled like monkeys). Even when he talked me into buying a pound of English Breakfast, he berated it. I can understand being somewhat picky about the water's temperature, the amount of tea used, and how long you steep it for. These are all factors that will affect the flavor of your tea (boiling = burnt tea; too little = no flavor; steep too long = bitter). But really? You're going to belittle people because of their flavor preferences? You like what you like. You can't force yourself to little something - you either do, or you don't. So Prometheus, thanks for the fire but you can take it back to Mount Olympus. My cup of English Breakfast will keep me plenty warm.
If anyone can clear this up, please do so. It's of great concern to me.)
I like tea. The problem: not many places sell tea, which means fewer place sell loose tea. It's pretty simple for a coffee lover to pop in the local Starbucks or latest hipster coffee lounge (*shutter*) and grab a freshly brewed cup of exotically blended coffee. Not so for tea drinkers. Sure, Starbucks has teabags and some smaller coffee shops will offer loose tea. It's...okay...I guess, but I want more. I don't want to be handed a cup full of boiling water with a burnt teabag bobbing around like a sun-bleached buoy. I want a full on tea bar. I want special blends freshly brewed before my eyes. Should I add sugar...honey...milk...leave it black (or green...or white)? Questions of the past! The tea brewers will know exactly what to do to achieve the best cup of your favorite tea, whether simple black or exotic rooibos. That's my dream. Oh, and they'll do it without a smarmy attitude.
It was Columbus Day. I had the day off from work and decided to grab some lunch with my parents. We went to a mall and my mom and I decided to stop in Teavana to pick up some tea (REALLY!?) as a Thank You gift for a family friend. I've shopped there before, so I knew what to expect from the sales people. It's sales...they're going to push but still let the customer stay in control (lies...I'll totally buy more tea with mere suggestions, but I still feel good when I leave). However, I could tell as soon as I walked in that this visit was going to be different, gravely different.
As we walked in, I noticed the sales man looked rather dapper...a little too dapper for a sales man who works in a mall, chain, tea store: suit, tie, dress shoes (*please keep this in mind for the rest of the rant). Whatever. Maybe he has a great work ethic - Good for you, Dapper Dan.
I decided to get an infuser to go along with this tea basket. Why have a bunch of loose tea and nothing to brew it in? I picked out a nice, simple, single-cup one much like the following:
Nothing fancy, but gets the job done.
I brought it over to the counter and prepared for battle. (I'm ready! You're not going to load me down with all this unwanted tea. I'm gonna stick to my list, pay, and leave. You're not going to win THIS time, Teavana.) Before I could place my order, the teaologist (yeah, the workers are called "teaologist". Seriously? Seriously) comments on the infuser:
Dapper Dan: I see you're buying a tea infuser.
Me: Yep.
Dapper Dan: May I make a suggestion for the exact same price you can get a much better one.
He shows me the following:
Crazy, huh? The top cup is the infuser and when you place it on top of another cup, the tea strains through. Supposedly, it's wonderful. I'll admit that I did buy one for my dad thinking he would be enthralled by it. He used it once. It's a bitch to clean.
Me (to my mom): Yeah. I can see her making a mess of that. (Not "with that", mind you. The recipient is a very "hectic" woman and I envisioned bad things.)
Dapper Dan: Actually, that other one is a lot messier. You don't have to lift this out of the tea and worry about it dripping everywhere.
Me: Okay...our friend might be "hectic", to say the least but she's competent enough to lift a small metal cup out of a larger cup. She's not that lazy. Yeah...uh...the kids! Yeah, her kids are gonna LOVE that. I see very bad things happening with it (*this friend lives with her young niece and nephews...who are possibly easily amused).
Dapper Dan: NOT if you keep it out of their hands!
Me: Hello! WHAT!?
Mom: You don't know these children. That's a lot easier said than done.
Disgruntled, Dapper Dan went back to the register and took my order. While he was scooping out the tea, my mother and I decided to buy a little English Breakfast tea. It's a simple, basic black tea we knew our friend liked. If she didn't care for the other two blends we gave, at least she had English Breakfast.
Me: Could I also get some English Breakfast, please?
Dapper Dan: *eye roll* I honestly would get Golden Monkey. English Breakfast...well...it's the hot dog of the tea world. We only carry it because people demand it.
Me: I like hot dogs. Where's he going with...NOT COOL! Dude, turn around! You carry a tea called "Weight to Go!" If that's not selling out, I don't know what is. I bet you don't even drink tea! You work in a CHAIN...in a MALL. What? The interview with Harney&Sons didn't go well? Could I please talk with someone who values/needs this $8.50/hour job?
This bashing of English Breakfast continued for the next five minutes, while he continued trying to sell me the $18.50/2 oz. Golden Monkey (I like monkeys, but it smelled like monkeys). Even when he talked me into buying a pound of English Breakfast, he berated it. I can understand being somewhat picky about the water's temperature, the amount of tea used, and how long you steep it for. These are all factors that will affect the flavor of your tea (boiling = burnt tea; too little = no flavor; steep too long = bitter). But really? You're going to belittle people because of their flavor preferences? You like what you like. You can't force yourself to little something - you either do, or you don't. So Prometheus, thanks for the fire but you can take it back to Mount Olympus. My cup of English Breakfast will keep me plenty warm.
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