Comment: Ew. Just Ew

I wish Kristin's post was an April Fool's joke...but it's not. Those things are real. I will admit that I gagged quite a bit when I read, "outties that are like three inches long and show through every shirt and sweater". EWWW! It's like a turkey timer: POP! Baby's done! (And don't get me started on a newborn who still has some umbilical cord attached and parents just need to wait a few days - or weeks, I really don't know - for it to fall off!)

Maybe belly button rings are a way to tide teens over until they can get a tattoo? Janie's totally gonna get a sweet tat on her lower back as soon as she's 18 (why are her parents so lame and making her wait soooooo long? Don't they know she's not little Janie anymore. In fact, she's Jane and needs to show this by having a butterfly, fluttering freely through the air, forever imprinted on her lower back? Like, so lame.). The belly button ring is probably a compromise between parent and child. Until she gets that Tramp Stamp on her own, Janie might as well adorn her belly with some bling? Even if her parents signed off a tattoo, would they really want their daughter to get one on her belly? It's like they know she's bound to get knocked up. What if she needs a C-section? That totally original butterfly flying freely along a rainbow, leaving a trail of flowers will get cut up...bummer. The only logical thing to do is pierce that belly!

Why do these...things exist? Isn't flaunting your body all over the place what got you into this situation in the first place? Why would you want to keep it (not to mention if your new outie doesn't go back to an innie)? Do you really want to draw attention to a long, saggy belly button (*dry heave*). Imagine if THAT got caught on some clothes (*continued dry heave*).

In regards to the teen pregnancy shows: yes, I watch them. I'm amazed that teen pregnancy is still an issue in this day and age. On more than one episode the knocked up teen's friend asks, "How did it happen?" What? Really? You're really asking that question? America needs to improve its math skills: that disclaimer about contraception being 99% safe - someone's got to be that 1% and it looks like it's your friend! At least this show has taught me why teen pregnancy is still an issue.

Overall, body piercings just baffle me; however I am a fan of the industrial ear piercing, but only if it's a barbell that looks like a spear. It's like the person had some amazing Gulliver style adventure. Maybe the spear that's lodged in his ear is a proud battle wound (You escaped the Lilliputians? How cool is that?).
Ears are one thing, though. I don't mind looking them. But who, in all honesty, likes looking at belly buttons? It really doesn't need any added attention. Ew...just ew.

Ew. Just Ew

Let me ask you something. What’s the purpose of a belly button ring? Think hard, and come up with the most truthful answer you possibly can – something more real than simply, “they’re cute.” If you think so, I still ask: Why there? Why the belly button? Some possible answers might be:

a) It draws attention to how tiny and flat a stomach is

b) It’s an accessory for the pool-side bikini season

c) It provides a challenge for thrill seekers who enjoy the challenge of getting through the day without getting it caught on any clothing and thus painfully ripping it through several layers of flesh, or

d) It draws attention to how tiny and flat a stomach is

If you’ve thought of any other purposes for a belly button ring, please be sure to educate me in the comments section below. However, I defy you to think of a purpose that would justify the use of the following product.

If you’re thinking that there’s something a little off about the belly button rings pictures above, you’re right. They’re absurdly long. Now I’ll give you all a moment to go take some Dramamine in an attempt to help you deal with the nausea that is about to overwhelm you, as I tell you what these special little rings are for……………

That’s right, you guessed it (or I bet you didn’t, because why would anyone ever think of this?): These are belly button rings for the ladies who currently have no vacancy in their wombs. Knocked up and ready to pop, you can now rest assured you will still be able to accompany your favorite pair of low rise booty shorts and tube top with the perfect accessory!!

These are creepy. My first problem with these is that pregnant belly buttons are weird. I’m continually perplexed by the fact that belly buttons that were once perfectly innocent, normal innies suddenly pop to outties that are like three inches long and show through every shirt and sweater. It’s like no belly button is really safe, except for a man’s of course. Just another cross the female sex has to bear, I suppose.

And secondly I must conclude that these are being marketed for the ever-popular teen moms, since the greatest population of belly button ringers are typically within the 13-17 range.

Those girls are so cool. You know the ones I’m talking about. How could you not? I don’t even have a TV and I know who they are because they’re on every rag mag in the grocery store check-out line – the same magazines that slap Angelina Jolie and Jessica Simpson on the cover every two weeks. The whole country has rewarded them for their actions by first putting them on TV and generating mass faux-sympathy for them and then making them as popular and famous as the movie stars they admire.

So now we’ve got accessories exclusively designed for these cool girls that will keep them in the height of style while they are indisposed with producing progeny. Don’t worry girls, you can still go to your junior high pool party without looking like an unadorned-stomach loser! You may make people gag with your newly acquired, unsightly outie that has sparkle dangling from it, but you go right ahead.

Comment: Crocs (The Rant Moves on to Tivas and Obscenity)

Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Disneyworld is just a place on earth that wishes it were Disneyland but isn't on the right side of the country so they made themselves bigger to compensate.


Yeah Crocs on kids are almost as disturbing as Tevas on kids. Have you ever noticed that Tevas are a family thing? Like you never see one person in a family wearing a pair of Tevas while the rest are in decent shoes. It's always the entire freaking family decked out in those weird, uncomfortably revealing shoes. Like if I wanted to see exactly how many hairs you have on your big toe sir (or sometimes madam, if we're honest), I would have found a way to get you barefooted. I don't want to see that while I'm riding the train though, you know? They're totally a cult thing because even the kids are forced to wear them. Like I bet if you see a pregnant Teva wearer, that fetus has probably got Teva's on.

Maybe Crocs are the modest-man's answer to Tevas. For those who aren't feet exhibitionists, you know? It's still wrong!!!!


And don't get me started on these:

THESE ARE NOT OK. Have you seen these? I saw someone who wore these. I was sitting across the room from him and suddenly saw some wiggling out of the corner of my eye. He was WIGGLING HIS TOES in these. I have never in my life seen something so disturbing. I wanted to cry. I almost did.

Comment: Crocs

HA! Infiltrating undercover! So true.

They really make me angry. When I went to Disney World a few years ago, they were everywhere. I was angry in the Happiest Place on Earth (or Happier...is Disneyland the Happiest?) Either way, it wasn't right!
I can understand if you need to wear them because you're on your feet all day and they really help your feet - chefs, nurses...that's about it. Those are the only professions I've even seen wear them. No one else should EVER wear them...EVER.

"But they look so cute on little kids." No, they don't. Baby goats would look pretty silly in Crocs! (But seriously, children don't look cute...they look like little shits who can't walk correctly in their gigantic shoes. Whatever happened to the cool light-up sneakers? Granted, I never had a pair and never really understood why anyone would want them, but I'd rather see those than Crocs...at least you know when a gang of children is about to attack you at night...like the Gingers in that South Park episode...creepy).
And they have stores devoted just to Crocs - all they sell...CROCS! Is there really such a need for them that they need to have their own stores?! Really!?

Comment: Crocs

I so agree with you on the crocs. They look like you have tires on your feet. Ugly neon tires in colors that should only have happened in 1986. Ew. They make you look like you're a nurse who nurses at a rave or something.

And they've tried making sleeker models and those for some completely irrational reason freak me out way more. It's like they're infiltrating undercover. Like robots that wear people skin. If you're going to be a robot, the least you could do is obviously be a robot, like with metal and all that.

Dumb Duds: Crocs

I hate Crocs. I just do.


Look at them! I probably don't need to continue but I simply cannot wrap my brain around this "fascination". People say they're the most comfortable shoes you'll ever wear. I'm sure a hair shirt also keeps you very warm (eh, Margery Kempe?). Okay. I've never tried a pair on and I'm completely judging them based on aesthetics. I also judge books by their covers - deal with it.


The most disturbing thing about them are the ads. They're weird. I pass the following poster just about everyday on my way to work:



Why are the Crocs wearing their fellow Crocs? I would never wear shoes made out of babies. And what is the Croc on the left foot doing? Is this an ad for shoes or foot fetishes? How can something that claims to be so comfortable make me so uncomfortable? And WHY would someone be wearing shoes while doing yoga? Sure, they aren't on her feet, but why are they there? It's just so disturbing on so many levels.